I'm still trying to get the art of the day off down. I got three positives on my side starting out this evening. I have one hell of a buzz going on, I have the makings of a dining room going on, and I am not knocking on the same old door. That may change tomorrow, but it is a plus. I got some things done today, but it still is empty.
Things are never the same after a bout of upheaval in ones life. they say that the average person changes their carreer seven times in their life. How often do you truly start over from scratch. I have to remember that is what the fuck is going on, and not the opposite. "There is a certain freedom that comes from being completely screwed, because you know things can't get any worse.
Well case in point. The world is constantly bombarded with what is new. Living in retail you begin to realize the harsh reality of that. Lets consider life to be a series of habits that we pick up. Take the kids to school, walk the dog, eat breakfast, and the like. However if you really think of the word habit, two things come to my mind. Chemicals and nuns. Though the latter has nothing to do with the subject we will use the ever predominant drug habit to liken it to. I tried crank, unbeknownst to myself at a young age in the middle of a study hall in high school. A fellow classmate was trying to snort something to stay awake and explained it was a study aid he used and was completely legal. I was running around like a chimp after is first double latte. I wasn't ready for it and didn't want to try it again. Still don't, but that isn't the point. If marijuana is a gateway drug, what about the rest? I have tried a few and really want to try a couple more, but try and like are two different things. Though I'm still ok with the green, the more I think of it as a unique experience and the more often I do it, the more I realize I want something just a little different. Its kind of like the best movie you ever saw. The second time and third time, though unique, still lack that something of newness. And so whatever works we make a habit. And that new experience, well, if I would pay money for it, I know someone will try to provide it.
That is why there is always a new movie out everyone is talking about, and there will always be new gifts to find this year with Christmas coming. Though I can not look down on anyone for wanting that, there is a time in my life that I wanted nothing else, but a little of the same old thing for a while, I'm learning that the same old thing sucks ass. And what I wanted may not have been what I have been asking for.
Three folds too many to your sheet, I'm still not making sense of this therapy, but only to you. The value of the whole is less than the sum of the value of the parts, I shit you not there is a lesson. No you will not learn it from me. And it will probably take more than yourself to teach it to yourself.
So what is so amazing about a dining room, well I have been without one for over a year now. Just the thought of a place to sit at a table and prepare tea to read something of interest, etc. Well how often does it become something of simplistic joy. How long since you have appreciated your dining room, or like me have you been without. Setup a fucking tv table with chair in the corner of your dorm room for crying out loud and use it. Make it special in some way. Maybe you forgot it like me, maybe it is all you have in the morning.
What I did today. Sis' bday, and so I called her early, and left a message. I lost her on her call back, so I fell asleep, after the neighbors called to ask me to babysit. I was up most of the night, and well had to get a couple of winks. Woke up, went to babysit to find out I had been replaced, so I played through MGS4 while clearing out the dining room of all the clutter to set up a table and chairs. I got to paint those to start new truly, but it is a start. Maybe I'll fix myself something special for dinner tomorrow. The neighbor boys asked if I could show them some tricks on the video game they borrowed so I spent some time there, kicking zelda's ass. Came back to the house and finished up the dining room and cleaned up a bit. I guess the rest of the night I just zoned out because here I am and I don't know how the fuck I got here.
No great revelations about the mental state, but its a process, right? One strong revelation that has dominated my excistence for a while now, is that I feel very alone. Have to remember we are starting over from scratch.
Well goodnight world. It has sure been real, or maybe just surreal.
Things are never the same after a bout of upheaval in ones life. they say that the average person changes their carreer seven times in their life. How often do you truly start over from scratch. I have to remember that is what the fuck is going on, and not the opposite. "There is a certain freedom that comes from being completely screwed, because you know things can't get any worse.
Well case in point. The world is constantly bombarded with what is new. Living in retail you begin to realize the harsh reality of that. Lets consider life to be a series of habits that we pick up. Take the kids to school, walk the dog, eat breakfast, and the like. However if you really think of the word habit, two things come to my mind. Chemicals and nuns. Though the latter has nothing to do with the subject we will use the ever predominant drug habit to liken it to. I tried crank, unbeknownst to myself at a young age in the middle of a study hall in high school. A fellow classmate was trying to snort something to stay awake and explained it was a study aid he used and was completely legal. I was running around like a chimp after is first double latte. I wasn't ready for it and didn't want to try it again. Still don't, but that isn't the point. If marijuana is a gateway drug, what about the rest? I have tried a few and really want to try a couple more, but try and like are two different things. Though I'm still ok with the green, the more I think of it as a unique experience and the more often I do it, the more I realize I want something just a little different. Its kind of like the best movie you ever saw. The second time and third time, though unique, still lack that something of newness. And so whatever works we make a habit. And that new experience, well, if I would pay money for it, I know someone will try to provide it.
That is why there is always a new movie out everyone is talking about, and there will always be new gifts to find this year with Christmas coming. Though I can not look down on anyone for wanting that, there is a time in my life that I wanted nothing else, but a little of the same old thing for a while, I'm learning that the same old thing sucks ass. And what I wanted may not have been what I have been asking for.
Three folds too many to your sheet, I'm still not making sense of this therapy, but only to you. The value of the whole is less than the sum of the value of the parts, I shit you not there is a lesson. No you will not learn it from me. And it will probably take more than yourself to teach it to yourself.
So what is so amazing about a dining room, well I have been without one for over a year now. Just the thought of a place to sit at a table and prepare tea to read something of interest, etc. Well how often does it become something of simplistic joy. How long since you have appreciated your dining room, or like me have you been without. Setup a fucking tv table with chair in the corner of your dorm room for crying out loud and use it. Make it special in some way. Maybe you forgot it like me, maybe it is all you have in the morning.
What I did today. Sis' bday, and so I called her early, and left a message. I lost her on her call back, so I fell asleep, after the neighbors called to ask me to babysit. I was up most of the night, and well had to get a couple of winks. Woke up, went to babysit to find out I had been replaced, so I played through MGS4 while clearing out the dining room of all the clutter to set up a table and chairs. I got to paint those to start new truly, but it is a start. Maybe I'll fix myself something special for dinner tomorrow. The neighbor boys asked if I could show them some tricks on the video game they borrowed so I spent some time there, kicking zelda's ass. Came back to the house and finished up the dining room and cleaned up a bit. I guess the rest of the night I just zoned out because here I am and I don't know how the fuck I got here.
No great revelations about the mental state, but its a process, right? One strong revelation that has dominated my excistence for a while now, is that I feel very alone. Have to remember we are starting over from scratch.
Well goodnight world. It has sure been real, or maybe just surreal.