cait

ok, so fuck the optimistc journal entry, I really think I'm having a nervours breakdown (yeah, again). My life is going in circles and I keep coming back to this lower than low point for no apparent reason, aside from the obvious. I'm fucked up, I'm so fucked up and I have been since I was five and its never going to go away, I've been through years of therapy and years of drugs and years of self-discovery. But I know myself, I have all along, and that person is not very likable. That person keeps screwing up and pushing people away, and losing everything she cares about. I know I can get it back, because I always do, but then the cycle starts all over again. How many times do I have to fail? How many people I care about have to die or leave me for me to understand? I feel so stupid and pathetic and this time I don't have anyone to wake up to in the morning to hold me and tell me we'll make it through this.I have to make it through this. I have to change. I cannot keep living this way.