Well, swallowed my pride and set wheels in motion to start a temp gig for one of my former employers. I have some permanent opportunities brewing, but they won't put any offers on the table for at least 2 more weeks and one needs to eat! It just pains me to rewind my "career" 8+ years. Though there are some positives...I can re-acquaint myself with the industry and an 8 hour work day! It will also alleviate my boredom and perhaps I'll meet some new people.
*sigh* So it's May. May is a tough month for me, so I'll likely be "weird" until June. May 4th is the anniversary of my beloved grandfather's passing. He's been gone over 20 years, but I can remember him from my childhood, as if it were yesterday. On the 18th, one of my favorite aunts passed away. When I was a kid, we always had Easter at her house. The 23rd is the 6th anniversary of my mother taking her own life. I never really made peace with it...shit, I get all misty-eyed just thinking about it.
Sometimes I feel I subconsciously push people away from me because I can't deal with loss. Loss could be death...moving away...breaking up...whatever. I suppose I should be flattered that so many people want to be close to me, but I usually hold them at arm's length.
To me, the ability to trust and be comfortable around somebody takes time. I can't say say how many friends and lovers I've alienated because they feel "left out" and are pissed because I won't "open up". It's not their fault...it just takes me awhile. One can't expect me to become an open book simply because we're intimate. One has to EARN it. I don't expect them to "do" anything to earn it...they simply have to be themselves and allow it to happen naturally. Pushing it only annoys me, and then I usually do the "Look..this isn't...working" thing.
My friends say everything from "you need a hobby" to "you need to get laid". I feel I have outlets for these emotions I'm feeling, but perhaps I should explore those outlets more often. I dunno...I don't think it's a matter of supressed emotions. Regardless, it's baggage. ugh...I have baggage...
*sigh* So it's May. May is a tough month for me, so I'll likely be "weird" until June. May 4th is the anniversary of my beloved grandfather's passing. He's been gone over 20 years, but I can remember him from my childhood, as if it were yesterday. On the 18th, one of my favorite aunts passed away. When I was a kid, we always had Easter at her house. The 23rd is the 6th anniversary of my mother taking her own life. I never really made peace with it...shit, I get all misty-eyed just thinking about it.
Sometimes I feel I subconsciously push people away from me because I can't deal with loss. Loss could be death...moving away...breaking up...whatever. I suppose I should be flattered that so many people want to be close to me, but I usually hold them at arm's length.
To me, the ability to trust and be comfortable around somebody takes time. I can't say say how many friends and lovers I've alienated because they feel "left out" and are pissed because I won't "open up". It's not their fault...it just takes me awhile. One can't expect me to become an open book simply because we're intimate. One has to EARN it. I don't expect them to "do" anything to earn it...they simply have to be themselves and allow it to happen naturally. Pushing it only annoys me, and then I usually do the "Look..this isn't...working" thing.
My friends say everything from "you need a hobby" to "you need to get laid". I feel I have outlets for these emotions I'm feeling, but perhaps I should explore those outlets more often. I dunno...I don't think it's a matter of supressed emotions. Regardless, it's baggage. ugh...I have baggage...
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
salome:
Well I'm glad you like the pix, that's what they're there for!
tita:
Everyone has baggage>cept some call it experience 
Hang in there!
Hang in there!