I've decided to follow up my post about most influential vampire movies with my picks for the five WORST vampire movies. Once again these are my own opinion so if you see one you like don't sweat it. It's not like this is getting posted all over the world...oh wait.
5. Underworld (2003)
Re-writing the vampire mythos can be tricky but a much better effort could have ben made here. A much worse effort however, probably couldn't. Sure there are plenty of hot vampires and werewolves (called Lycans in this flick) that are waging war on each other. The main problem here is that this war is supposed to be secret and beyond the sight of humans. Tough to be convincing of that when the vampires own a mansion twice the size of the White House and the fighting invloves more weapons and explosions than Operation Desert Storm and Iraqi Freedom combined. The main bad guy here was far less than convincing and even Kate Beckensale (whom I adore) was more looks than substance. Didn't we learn anything from the midless action flicks of the 80's?
4. Blade (1998)
Another more action than actual story movie this one desperatly attempted to justify bringing guns to a vampire movie. Supposedly we're supposed to believe that vampires are actually allergic to silver and all that silver bullet stuff was for them not werewolves. Silly us. The hero, somehow a vampire that can walk during the day serves an integral link to the bad guy's plans but we don't find this out till the end of the flick. To make matters worse the intended target isn't even him. Add to that another supposedly secret vampire society that we learn almost nothing about and you've got a surefire flop. At least there are lots of cool battle scenes and a nice sword fight at the end. Fast forward through the rest of this less than quality story or you'll find yourself bored to tears.
3. Van Helsing (2004)
When the only thing you've really got going for you is Kate Beckensale in a corset you've got some serious problems. Hugh Jackman should have called in sick for this terrible interpretation of the Dracula myth. I'm sure the writers spent all their free time trying to come up with the most complicated and twisted end to a movie ever somehow thinking they would earn brownie points. We are introduced to several plot points that go absolutely no where and not only do we not get to see any hot females naked but even the action scenes leave much to be desired. Bad CG reigns surpreme but at least it was better than the writing.
2. Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)
One can only wonder what the hell the writers of this awful movie were thinking. I'm convinced that someone, somewhere had about $10 million lying around and was told to either spend it now or loose it all forever. Therefore they spent about two hours writing this movie and somehow managed to sell it. Not only are the vampires terrible but they somehow came up with the idea that vampires can't enter a room unless invited. I'm sure that really sucks when they're outside around dawn and need to get home before sunrise. Sorry, you weren't invited in you're stuck outside to burn. Amazingly enough the acting was actually worse than the writing although I'm sure that took some effort. One look at the title should be all you need to steer clear of this hideous concept but it was turned into a television show so apperently not.
1. John Carpenter's: Vampires (1998)
[IMG]http://images.allmoviephoto.com/1998_John_Carpenter's_Vampires/james_woods_john_carpenter's_vampires_002.jpg[/IMG]
The writers for Underworld may have done a terrible job of re-writing the vampire mythos but at least they can look back on this movie as proof that their version wasn't the worst one out there. Great Director, great actors, shitty movie. Man that takes effort and considering it starred Stephan Baldwin and James Woods it also takes a lot of money. The story that vampires have only been around since the 1500's and were actually because of some exorsisim gone wrong had potential but then to leave it there with no attempt whatsoever to clarify it was mistake number one. Mistake number two was no effort at all to justify why vampire hunters are using guns when they know damn well that bullets don't hurt or kill vampires. At least Balde came up with a excuse albeit a weak one. If you get this one for free sue the person that gave it to you for ripping you off.
5. Underworld (2003)
Re-writing the vampire mythos can be tricky but a much better effort could have ben made here. A much worse effort however, probably couldn't. Sure there are plenty of hot vampires and werewolves (called Lycans in this flick) that are waging war on each other. The main problem here is that this war is supposed to be secret and beyond the sight of humans. Tough to be convincing of that when the vampires own a mansion twice the size of the White House and the fighting invloves more weapons and explosions than Operation Desert Storm and Iraqi Freedom combined. The main bad guy here was far less than convincing and even Kate Beckensale (whom I adore) was more looks than substance. Didn't we learn anything from the midless action flicks of the 80's?
4. Blade (1998)
Another more action than actual story movie this one desperatly attempted to justify bringing guns to a vampire movie. Supposedly we're supposed to believe that vampires are actually allergic to silver and all that silver bullet stuff was for them not werewolves. Silly us. The hero, somehow a vampire that can walk during the day serves an integral link to the bad guy's plans but we don't find this out till the end of the flick. To make matters worse the intended target isn't even him. Add to that another supposedly secret vampire society that we learn almost nothing about and you've got a surefire flop. At least there are lots of cool battle scenes and a nice sword fight at the end. Fast forward through the rest of this less than quality story or you'll find yourself bored to tears.
3. Van Helsing (2004)
When the only thing you've really got going for you is Kate Beckensale in a corset you've got some serious problems. Hugh Jackman should have called in sick for this terrible interpretation of the Dracula myth. I'm sure the writers spent all their free time trying to come up with the most complicated and twisted end to a movie ever somehow thinking they would earn brownie points. We are introduced to several plot points that go absolutely no where and not only do we not get to see any hot females naked but even the action scenes leave much to be desired. Bad CG reigns surpreme but at least it was better than the writing.
2. Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)
One can only wonder what the hell the writers of this awful movie were thinking. I'm convinced that someone, somewhere had about $10 million lying around and was told to either spend it now or loose it all forever. Therefore they spent about two hours writing this movie and somehow managed to sell it. Not only are the vampires terrible but they somehow came up with the idea that vampires can't enter a room unless invited. I'm sure that really sucks when they're outside around dawn and need to get home before sunrise. Sorry, you weren't invited in you're stuck outside to burn. Amazingly enough the acting was actually worse than the writing although I'm sure that took some effort. One look at the title should be all you need to steer clear of this hideous concept but it was turned into a television show so apperently not.
1. John Carpenter's: Vampires (1998)
[IMG]http://images.allmoviephoto.com/1998_John_Carpenter's_Vampires/james_woods_john_carpenter's_vampires_002.jpg[/IMG]
The writers for Underworld may have done a terrible job of re-writing the vampire mythos but at least they can look back on this movie as proof that their version wasn't the worst one out there. Great Director, great actors, shitty movie. Man that takes effort and considering it starred Stephan Baldwin and James Woods it also takes a lot of money. The story that vampires have only been around since the 1500's and were actually because of some exorsisim gone wrong had potential but then to leave it there with no attempt whatsoever to clarify it was mistake number one. Mistake number two was no effort at all to justify why vampire hunters are using guns when they know damn well that bullets don't hurt or kill vampires. At least Balde came up with a excuse albeit a weak one. If you get this one for free sue the person that gave it to you for ripping you off.
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