Since i've joined SG and actually for a while before that.. i have been fed up with life and yesterday i remembered why.
After about a month away from church because of work, i went back. and although i was blown away by how much i actually missed singing the hymns.. i really didn't feel like being there. and i felt this way because i knew that i had drifted away but i also knew i could repent. however, this eternal decision of repent or not repent, believe or not believe that we are all faced with is what reminded me of why i wanted to avoid life; why i made up this name for myself (stillife) a month or so back... wishing life could stand still. not wishing to be dead where life might go on but frozen like a painting. i am fed up with deciding. i am fed up with working for a will i don't have the will to understand. and i am fed up with being fed up. so i am just here. hoping that christ isn't the only way. and hoping i'll find my own way through without committing actual suicide.
After about a month away from church because of work, i went back. and although i was blown away by how much i actually missed singing the hymns.. i really didn't feel like being there. and i felt this way because i knew that i had drifted away but i also knew i could repent. however, this eternal decision of repent or not repent, believe or not believe that we are all faced with is what reminded me of why i wanted to avoid life; why i made up this name for myself (stillife) a month or so back... wishing life could stand still. not wishing to be dead where life might go on but frozen like a painting. i am fed up with deciding. i am fed up with working for a will i don't have the will to understand. and i am fed up with being fed up. so i am just here. hoping that christ isn't the only way. and hoping i'll find my own way through without committing actual suicide.
