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Grand Rapids, Michigan

Member Since 2008

Followers 13 Following 2

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Friday Dec 26, 2008

Dec 26, 2008
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I cry myself to sleep almost every single night. I haven't struggled this badly with depression since I was in middle school and my hormones were going haywire.
My heart has been shattered and I can't seem to pry the knife out of my back that he stuck so deeply in there before he left.

How can anyone in good conscience leave their baby's mom? I'm terrified to raise a baby alone, but I'm left with no other choice.
I've tried staying in contact with him, but it's obvious he wants nothing to do with me, so I am forced to distance myself. I can't force myself into his life anymore.
He is so selfish. I have given up so much of my time, energy, and money to make him happy, and it still wasn't good enough... He still left.

I keep holding onto the hope that he will change his mind and realize how badly he is messing up. I believe by hoping this I am deceiving myself and bringing more hurt into my future. My heart can't take this anymore.

I keep on thinking about going to parenting classes alone and going to lamaze classes alone. These are things that most couples do together, but I'll look like the fool alone in the corner because he decided to leave.

My resentment is building daily as well. I keep thinking about the legal stuff. I know I would win a custody battle hands down. I don't even want him to see my baby alone, I would want it to be court supervised. You would understand if you knew him and his family. I wish I didn't have to do this, but everyone in his family makes horrible choices and I don't want Rilee around those horrible choices.
Ugh...there's so much to think about.... I don't see the point of even having his name on the birth certificate but I need child support.

I wish I could just walk away from all of this like he did. That would make things so much easier and take so much weight off of my shoulders.

I saw so much potential in that cat, but he gave into his family legacy of failure. I would have thought he wouldn't ever do this to me, because his father did the same to him.
And I'm left to pick up the pieces that he left behind, I don't know if I can take on all this weight.




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