brannagh

So I guess that after everything that has been going on with me, it's finally time to get help again. I've been down this road and it ain't pretty. This disease has won, it has gotten the best of me. When I met Andrew, he made me so happy. I was on a high. I stopped taking all ofmy pills, and had stopped going to therapy log before that. I decided therapy wasn't helping me before I even gave it a chance. I'm still skeptical. But now, almost a year later, I get those same feelings. One hour I feel desparate. Drowing, pressure. Liek I've let my family down and neither have now, nor ever had a true friend. I get scared because I'm afraid I'll hurt myself again, which is not what I want, but when this darkness takes me over, I lose all control. All day today was perfect. I was at Wrigley all day (despite the Cubs' loss) with Andrew and his family. It's so hard to explain how fast my mood will change. All I want to do is hold him, and tell him how perfect and wonderful he is, because that's what he deserves. The words get choked up inside my mind and all that comes out is anger. Then minutes later he's in my arms. I told him tonight I only feel safe when I'm with him. He told me he'll leave me if I don't get help. The truth is, I feel defeated. He dowsn't know what that feels like. To be defeated. To be flawed and have to be medicated to be normal. This thing has won. I told him he could do better. He said he doesn't want better, he wants me, but I'm hurting him. I don't want to hurt him anymore. I feel like I'm a dissapointment to my parents. I feel like that little girl I used to be has been killed. She doesn't exist and I miss her terribly. This pain is like nothing I've ever felt and it's everything I've ever known, and I want it to fucking stop. I don't where it comes from either and that's awful. I want to be free of this. I want this to end. I want to love the sun on my face again, and I want to let go of everything. I want to rest in his arms, in his warmth without being so frigid. I want him to rest in mine without feeling like he'll brake me. I want to be me again, Wish me luck.