i went to bed 3 hours ago in reality i went to read. i remember now why i don't read that much anymore it makes me think. its makes me think that my current thought processes are wrong and in theory they are regarding apperance and the fact that i simply care to damn much and cannot make a decision for me without someone eleses opion. WHERES MY FUCKING EASY BUTTON??!?? i hear you can buy them at your local staples - fyi- anyway so here i am contemplating my current stance in my life there is a couple of factors #1 X-Boyfriend #2 Roomate #3 The Crush #4 The Future # 5 The Family #6 Work- - - I feel like a game show host (which number will take us to the Lucky Prize) To me my prize is happiness but with out the hope bit i see depression.
#1- Last night i went to my x's apartment to hang out- typically this is him playing video games while i oogle at the internet for hours and us getting tired going to bed and ending up having sex. me or him feeling bad about it and one of us having feelings agian... Last night started off somewhat similar- - He had called me earlier to see if i wanted to come over and watch Star Wars ooo yes guys and gals to your dismay i have never had this expirence and apparently society as we know it thinks i'm missing out on the marvels. side tangent- now i am not completely clueless about the series to my surprise i knew alot of the characters and whatnot without asking tons of questions. on to the rest- The night started out with him playing his game so he could find a proper place to pause. i was content with this knowing that i could cozy up to my book and rightfully ignore the fact the he was glued to his controller even though he asked me to come over and watch the movie. He removed himself (from the controller) I explaned that I think us not "doing anything" would be wise which was followed by that paranoid expression of is there anyone elese? in which i reassured them that there really isn't (on to that later). Now thinking about it I should've just said that my new viberator is working out nicely and I know longer care to have my couple of minute sessions which only makes him depressed. Plus I honestly think it will do my psyche good (the no sex with the x part). anyway watched half the movie he feel asleep- and then lied when i asked him if he had fallen asleep. turned out the lights and i became restless- I hate his bed correction I hate sleeping in the same bed as him for some reason lately I cannot do it without feeling increasing restless/sleepless. So thats as far as I am going to go with the X FACTOR ( ha that kind of was funny)
#2 Roomate- I love her I hate her boyfriend. In a nutshell thats all i can really say. BUT (and thats a big one) She seems happy and thats all that matters. Shes moving in with her brother in a couple months (taking boyfiend with her) and it hasn't kicked in. The past year or so she has been my best friend and i don't want to think what it is going to be like without her. As far as new roomates go I guess I won't be having any. me myself and i- on some levels i think this is a very good idea and and those other levels suggest it could be extreemly dangerous even deadly. But that is to be disscussed in another blog at another time.
#3 The Crush- This is almost entirely a joke - not literally may I remind you. There are 2- Crush #1 is evil right now he cares not to return my calls and makes plans with me and breaks them (alot) + he has a girlfriend = me being very very bad so in a nutshell Cruch #1 BADNEWS. Crush #2 Lets see crush time at almost a yearish I talk to him frequently I had talked to him several months ago about my epidemic(crushing) which I have never received a yes or no wether he felt the same. We go off and on one week we will talk all the time and the next week/ month nothing- its strange and then all of a sudden (do do do ((aim noise))) there he is and it resurges- For the protection of myself and others involved I am not going into ANY details about either one of these guys for the safety of me and the sanity of others. Anyway #2 I feel semi- invisible to its almost like I am there when I'm important then boom gone but he - - He is constanly throwing curve balls at me that make me question him but i think thats more so because I've never been able to be just friends with a guy without aquiring some sort of feeling for them... I feel like thats one of my major downfalls.
#4 I have no fucking clue my mom would like me to go into something medical currently i'm taking gen ed classes at a community college hoping i will be able to build up some sort of gpa to make me transferable to some wonderful school with some wonderful program that will really interest me. but also on the back burner theres this whole Beauty School thing. The Aveda Institute - ever since i was little i have always wanted to do hair but because my mom had a bad expierence she has always been against it. I'm just lost right now in that chapter- - - everything i tell my family that i want to do i get the theres no market or you won't make any money or blah blah and it gets so frusterating I get so fucking sick of hearing money money money for hours on end about my future the only thing i would like to do is live a little more comfortably and i think i'll be just fine- HONEST-
#5 I believe i tied them in nicely already- besides the fact that i haven't heard from my mother for about 5 days now and i kind of miss her nagging shes in florida right now with her family and is probably having a great time- so in the mean time i've been spending about one day a week with my aunt. which has been really nice. Its humbling to see her with my cousins and she just looks so happy when shes playing with them and it makes me happy - i know that when i was living with them (being my aunt and uncle) she couldn't feel that way about me and now she has her own children and its something that means so much more now. Also my aunt has been my greatest fighter and supprt lately which is surprising. It use to be when i was licing with my aunt and uncle that i constantly felt like i was battling her and now were fine. I guess that goes to show that once i don't live with people we will get along- - - unless your my tattling step cousin you can never be trusted ...
#6 I can do better but I'm not and I hate it! I can also get more hours but I like my job and I don't want to quit but I also don't want to get another job and have too much on my plate - HELLO CATCH 22'S HOW I HATE YOU-
could i write anymore- yes
but i would like some sleep
xoxo
#1- Last night i went to my x's apartment to hang out- typically this is him playing video games while i oogle at the internet for hours and us getting tired going to bed and ending up having sex. me or him feeling bad about it and one of us having feelings agian... Last night started off somewhat similar- - He had called me earlier to see if i wanted to come over and watch Star Wars ooo yes guys and gals to your dismay i have never had this expirence and apparently society as we know it thinks i'm missing out on the marvels. side tangent- now i am not completely clueless about the series to my surprise i knew alot of the characters and whatnot without asking tons of questions. on to the rest- The night started out with him playing his game so he could find a proper place to pause. i was content with this knowing that i could cozy up to my book and rightfully ignore the fact the he was glued to his controller even though he asked me to come over and watch the movie. He removed himself (from the controller) I explaned that I think us not "doing anything" would be wise which was followed by that paranoid expression of is there anyone elese? in which i reassured them that there really isn't (on to that later). Now thinking about it I should've just said that my new viberator is working out nicely and I know longer care to have my couple of minute sessions which only makes him depressed. Plus I honestly think it will do my psyche good (the no sex with the x part). anyway watched half the movie he feel asleep- and then lied when i asked him if he had fallen asleep. turned out the lights and i became restless- I hate his bed correction I hate sleeping in the same bed as him for some reason lately I cannot do it without feeling increasing restless/sleepless. So thats as far as I am going to go with the X FACTOR ( ha that kind of was funny)
#2 Roomate- I love her I hate her boyfriend. In a nutshell thats all i can really say. BUT (and thats a big one) She seems happy and thats all that matters. Shes moving in with her brother in a couple months (taking boyfiend with her) and it hasn't kicked in. The past year or so she has been my best friend and i don't want to think what it is going to be like without her. As far as new roomates go I guess I won't be having any. me myself and i- on some levels i think this is a very good idea and and those other levels suggest it could be extreemly dangerous even deadly. But that is to be disscussed in another blog at another time.
#3 The Crush- This is almost entirely a joke - not literally may I remind you. There are 2- Crush #1 is evil right now he cares not to return my calls and makes plans with me and breaks them (alot) + he has a girlfriend = me being very very bad so in a nutshell Cruch #1 BADNEWS. Crush #2 Lets see crush time at almost a yearish I talk to him frequently I had talked to him several months ago about my epidemic(crushing) which I have never received a yes or no wether he felt the same. We go off and on one week we will talk all the time and the next week/ month nothing- its strange and then all of a sudden (do do do ((aim noise))) there he is and it resurges- For the protection of myself and others involved I am not going into ANY details about either one of these guys for the safety of me and the sanity of others. Anyway #2 I feel semi- invisible to its almost like I am there when I'm important then boom gone but he - - He is constanly throwing curve balls at me that make me question him but i think thats more so because I've never been able to be just friends with a guy without aquiring some sort of feeling for them... I feel like thats one of my major downfalls.
#4 I have no fucking clue my mom would like me to go into something medical currently i'm taking gen ed classes at a community college hoping i will be able to build up some sort of gpa to make me transferable to some wonderful school with some wonderful program that will really interest me. but also on the back burner theres this whole Beauty School thing. The Aveda Institute - ever since i was little i have always wanted to do hair but because my mom had a bad expierence she has always been against it. I'm just lost right now in that chapter- - - everything i tell my family that i want to do i get the theres no market or you won't make any money or blah blah and it gets so frusterating I get so fucking sick of hearing money money money for hours on end about my future the only thing i would like to do is live a little more comfortably and i think i'll be just fine- HONEST-
#5 I believe i tied them in nicely already- besides the fact that i haven't heard from my mother for about 5 days now and i kind of miss her nagging shes in florida right now with her family and is probably having a great time- so in the mean time i've been spending about one day a week with my aunt. which has been really nice. Its humbling to see her with my cousins and she just looks so happy when shes playing with them and it makes me happy - i know that when i was living with them (being my aunt and uncle) she couldn't feel that way about me and now she has her own children and its something that means so much more now. Also my aunt has been my greatest fighter and supprt lately which is surprising. It use to be when i was licing with my aunt and uncle that i constantly felt like i was battling her and now were fine. I guess that goes to show that once i don't live with people we will get along- - - unless your my tattling step cousin you can never be trusted ...
#6 I can do better but I'm not and I hate it! I can also get more hours but I like my job and I don't want to quit but I also don't want to get another job and have too much on my plate - HELLO CATCH 22'S HOW I HATE YOU-
could i write anymore- yes
but i would like some sleep
xoxo