boundcreature

i'm feeling very introspective tonight.

if you were here, we would probably have one hell of a conversation.

***

listening to music. a cd-r of RASPUTINA's "how we quit the forest" that Granny made for me, MARILYN MANSON's "antichrist superstar" and a mix cd my friend dorinda made for me like two fucking years ago. i listened to it a few times after she gave it to me, but never got into it really. i put it in today and i couldn't even focus on the book i was reading i was digging it so much. she has such good taste in music, it was almost all stuff i had never heard (and that's a hell of a task to pull off) and all flowed really well into each other. i think i was most impressed by HUSKER DU, BIRTHDAY PARTY, NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL and FUGAZI. i think i dug the ENO & CALE song as well.

all stuff i knew existed and had assumed was great, just never got around to it (dude, there is ALOT of punk rock that i have to listen to, i can't always set aside time for other styles of music).

so anyway, good music gets me thinking and i think that's what's got me in this mood. i really wish there was someone here to talk to. i sometimes feel disconnected and alone (as opposed to self-sufficient and alone).

i would think that there is a great deal of happiness to be achieved in waking up next to someone you know, love and trust every day. its such an easy feeling to fake. you get in a bad relationship and just that simple human comfort makes you think its all real and worthwhile. but it isn't and deep down, i always know that to be true (in most of the cases). there is nothing wrong with the simple human comfort, i just don't like dressing it up as anything. i always think of the lyric "i'm waking up to us, we're a disaster" by BELLE & SEBASTIAN when i think about how i liked sleeping next to girls i didn't like going out with.

i have had no interest in sex whatsoever in the last two weeks or so. i'm still WAAAYYY interested in cute girls of course, i just seem to be thinking about finding an attitude that matches and a chemistry that creates magic, not corrosive erosion. working that stuff out takes time and patience, until, then i shall quite enjoy whatever simple human pleasures come along and keep the hormones under tight control.

***

i'm doing good so far this week. got up when i wanted to every day so far. i've got some progress made on the website and most importantly, my mindset is sharpening and taking focus. i'm honing the awareness of reality slowly this time. so often i throw myself right into it, get two crazy weeks of work done, then crash and burn into undisciplined lolli-gagging (alright, i admit it, i don't lolligag, i just complain).

i miss the martial arts. i cannot wait until i can bo back to muay thai. i think if i don't go on the road in january, i will have the time and money to start training.

***

i've been thinking about the zombie film i've been working on (in my head) for the last few years. if i ever shoot this thing, it will probably invent a new genre. i don't think anyone could possibly be prepared for the kind of horror movie i have inside of me.

***

went dancing last night with the SGBoston crew. i was sitting down tired and some girl asked me to dance with her friend and i said no, but she asked again and i figured fuck it and went to dance. i knew right from the start there was no interest for me in her, but hell, just a dance right? so i danced with her and it was grotesque. this girl was NASTY. she was all touching her crotch and shit, being so forward (not sexy mind you, FORWARD - desperate, scary, needy) and trying to touch me (but i kept dancing away from her, god bless industrial music's fast beat). so, i tried to excuse myself to sit down and she wouldn't let me leave, she was tiny but had placed herself in front of me in such a way that i would have to physically move her to get by. and i didn't want to touch her. she asked me all kinds of dumb ass questions (like a formality, like she didn't want to know the answers).

so, what do you do? are you in school are you done with school?

i quit school.

where did you go?

to an art school in beverly

oh, that figures. oh, well what do you do now?

i'm an artist.

oh, that figures.

wtf. its dumb shit like that that gives 18 and 19 year olds a bad rap. so, she still is trying to block me and keeps putting her hands on me (not good times).

listen, i'm gonna go sit down.

what if i go sit down with you?

then, you should sit on the side that my girlfriend is NOT sitting on.

oh! well, i'm just gonna back off.

so, i thought that was the end of it. i went and sat down with gasmaskboy, TheFullNelson and Granny and said to granny: if anyone asks, you are my girlfriend.

and so, i thought that was it. an hour later, she sneak attacks me. giving me all of this shit about how she is too much woman for me and how shes "too forward for a boy like you."

as if she has any idea of what i can handle? as if she has any idea of what a boy like me is?

and what the fuck is with the touching. i don't walk around grabbing stranger's boobs. fuck that yo. respect is a two way street.

i wanted to somehow play her a video reel of the girls i walked away from last week. i wanted to give her some idea of the two girlfriends i had that were so fucking cute i'd be satisfied for hours with just watching their movements.

the girl thought she was a predator. but i guess she wasn't thinking about the first and most obvious thing that should occur to any woman that i allow to dominate me: it lasts for only as long as i am allowing it.

predator?

fuck. she was such a little girl pretending to be something, acting out her insecurities on me, in some kind of play for her self-esteem or just to make herself feel better. no worse than picking on someone to feel better about yourself.

the more time i spend learning about myself and becoming more and more comfortable with the solitude, the more i recognize traits in females that i find myself consistenly attracted to.

strength.
independence.
self-respect (in every aspect possible)
dedication
talent
courage
humor
warmth
trustworthiness
an enjoyment for life
dark hair
and
a cute bum

i have found various aspects in various girls i have been with, but i find that those are what i respond to the most. i can usually figure out most of these from watching her move, watching her body language...

y'know, i MUST come off as superficial sometimes in this journal and in real life. but, its mostly just having fun with myself and a general amusement for getting dressed up and acting sexy in public. i think as an artist, i'm entitled to be mesmerized by what goes on on the surface, but, like with all good art (be it painting, design, illustration, architecture, you name it) the form is dictated by the function and ideas that give it life. when i meet a girl, i start from the outside and try to look in, to see whether she an empty shell, a work of art, or in a state of precarious transition.

even BEFORE i had set up this CRAZY level of pickiness i am currently using, this girl would not have made the cut. but of course, i wasn't gonna tell her that. i thought being politely disinterested would do it. but, no. i couldn't think of any way of ending the situation without being completely fucking mean to her. and, apparently, no matter how rude or irriritating a girl is, i still find it terribly difficult to be deliberately hurtful.

she wouldn't let up. she kept touching me. i looked all around and my fake-girlfriend was nowhere in site. this girl actually said to me:

admit it, you're afraid of me.

to which i replied (completely baffled and out of options):

yeah, i'm afraid of you. listen, i am actually going to run away from you right now.

and then i actually RAN away from her and hid in the front room, where i found granny and was protected for the rest of the night.

***

today, coming out of the convenience store, a man opened the door for me and smiled at me. it was the warmest, most friendly smile i have ever received from a stranger. i wanted to put my laundry down and hug him.

it did well to wash away last night's stranger-based nastiness.

***

thats all for now, i had a quote i wanted to put in here, but i can't find it. it had something to do with being tough though.

***

odette's set finally going up = best morning ever.

damn that girl is cute.

damn.