boundcreature

if bitterness and frustration were tangible entities, what shape would i be?

today, i sat up in my bed after i woke up two hours late for work. i sat up in my bed for one hour and looked at the wall. i thought about the level of talent i feel i have, i thought about the amount of drive and dedication that i have, i thought about what is required of me at my day job, i thought about artists who just cash in their chips at an early age and never make breakthroughs, i thought of being hungry, i thought of being scared, i thought of being lonely, i thought of telling my roommates that i couldn't pay my share of the rent, i thought about what i am capable of, i thought about the things i had hoped to achieve by the age of 23 and i just kept thinking, and never made any solid decisions.

my manager refused to fire me. i asked her very politely. i told her i'm late and unreliable and she said i'm a really good worker and that the owner likes me (especially the diagrams i've designed and the operational systems planning i've done).

i talked to my dad on the phone for an hour. i asked him if he knew of any way that i could get a business loan. he said that it would be next to impossible for someone who owns nothing and has shit credit. i knew the answer before i asked, sometimes you just ask anyway. he thinks i should work full-time for a year and save money. i don't think i could do that. i am sometimes doubtful that i can work a full day at the sign shop. i thought about punching one of our vendors today.

nothing is easy.

if it was easy, everyone would do it.

there is no free ride.

there is no one to help you.

i have come to realize that their will be no partner in these endeavors.

i will walk alone for a very long time.

growth comes from struggle. fighting makes you stronger. never quitting makes you stronger. never staying down makes you stronger.

it just seems...

the stronger i get, the more distant and unknowable i become to most people.

it is a hard thing for some people to deal with how self-absorbed i generally am. its not cuz i don't like anyone and its not because i am arrogant.

its cuz i'm all by myself, and i don't know of any other way to be the man i want to be.

so, i guess i'll get some sleep tonight, and put away the bitter frustration and think about strength, how much i have, how much i still need to earn...

my dad meant well with his advice, but i can only think about the stiff little fingers song "gotta gettaway" when he and i talk.

"y'know, there ain't no place like home,
to make you feel so all alone,
so many folk'll tell you what to do,
but they don't speak the same language as you."

***

i'll tell the story of my reunion with the lovely and adorable madichon next time, i had to get all of this shit out.