boundcreature

i got an email today from an old client.

it bummed the shit out of me.

she opened the email by asking how me and the ex-girlfriend were doing (we were still together when we painted two murals for the client). she asked if i'd be interested in doing more mural work; some for her and some as referrals to her friends.

i hate to remember this. this year is starting to feel like the start of last year (my years start in September, with the Fall, not with January).

last night i went to the movies with my girlfriend. the last time i was at kendall square cinemas was last year, when i saw bubba ho-tep with the ex-girlfriend. i saw the bench where she and i sat for an hour and talked nervously while we waited for the movie to open...

fuck these memories.

i don't know what to do with them all.

i am writing a comic about the ending of that relationship and trying to come to terms with myself and all that...

i wonder if finishing that story will purge these feelings... or will wallowing in the memories make it all worse?

there is not a single thing that i would not have done for that girl. she left me, moved on in minutes, hooked-up with someone else.

now, 6 months later i have a new girlfriend. she is a total sweetheart and thinks the world of me (for some reason). and i can't treat her with any of the craziness and passion and adoration that i gave my ex. and y'know, if i met my current girlfriend first, i probably would've treated her just as well...

but, my ex- hurt me. now i'm fucked up and i really don't want to share myself too much. i don't want to accept help. i don't want someone worrying about me and caring about me.

i should talk to my girlfriend about these things i guess. i really fucking hate it when people are feeling stuff and they aren't up front.

i really like going to sleep with my girlfriend because she makes me feel comfortable. but otherwise, the relationship is not governened by mad-crazy passion. is this becaue i am not as attracted to her as i was the others? is this because i have been more absorbed in my work than ever before? or is this because my method of getting past the feelings of rejection and betrayal caused by the ex- has been to work out a lot and write a lot... to try and develop myself more as a solitary creature. to build my muscles, expand my mind; to collect together all that makes me happy and with unilateral focus push forward on that path.

i don't know, any insight would be appreciated (dorinda, feel free to email me if you have any thoughts on this one).

***

i spent tonight with one of my best friends in the universe. besides the pants and my friend chris from back home, i don't love anyone like i love my friend jess; she is such a sweetheart. she is so beautiful, so funny, so alive, so full of style, her voice is so inviting. if i ever had an older sister, she would be jess.

***

bad memories and flashbacks, best just to go to bed.