Some days I take a breath, calm down, and think about where I've been and where I am now and for a few minutes I stop being so goddamn hard on myself. Eight months ago I was sleeping on a tile floor in a room in Boston. I didn't have a job. My computer wasn't capable of handling any of the design work I was trying to do on it. I couldn't always afford to eat. The fancy dancing I had to do to pay my rent every month was fucking legendary. I couldn't go to sleep at night because the anxiety was so bad. I used to try desperately to cry, to force the looming breakdown, but I could just never do it. I was so confused, so scared, and so lonely... I was losing faith in myself, starting to question my goals and hopes and dreams. It had been so long since I made the decision to bail from the beaten path. I didn't even know what I was doing anymore. Lost focus, lost touch with reality...
All this stuff goes on inside my head. Everyone sees me from the outside and they have no idea what goes on in here. No idea what plans I have lined up. None of my friends believe in me. They love me and all that, but only two of them look at me and see the craziness I have looming on the horizon.
Does everyone else feel so isolated? Their inner wants and desires locked inside the self, while they go through the motions in the 9 to 5 world? I wonder if the people I work with have hopes and dreams or if they did and they don't anymore. They're all Sign Shop lifers and I'm just passing through. Putting in my time, planning my way to better things.
I hate saying it but the girl I fell in love with never got to know me. She never made it past the gates, man, I held them open for her, I would've taken such good care of her if she came in, but she just kinda circled the perimeter, making immature comments on a world she wasn't ready to comprehend.
How deep do they see when they look at me? Am I a shallow punk rocker taking the pose? Am I just tight pants and messy eyeliner? What about the work days when I wear the nice pants and a tie (do they think I'm denying the punker within)? Who sees an artist when they look? (Who even knows what an artist is anymore -- I know for certain it takes more than the ability to make a pretty picture or talk a line of bullshit)? How many people think I'm all talk? How many people think I don't say enough? Do they know it's just a matter of time? Who thinks I'm arrogant?
The people who think I care only about myself don't realize I try to be the best I can be to help all of those that I love.
Does anybody look at me and think "well, that boy there is biding his time, studying his ass off and becoming a strong person... I'll bet he's gonna try to shake the world one day."
How many people know how in love I am with every single person on the planet. How many people know I am dissapointed by most of the people I meet. Who knows how wide I leave myself open to betrayal (or how unapologetic I am about it)?
My teenage-love knew almost all of these things about me. Destiny didn't have us together, I pulled the plug. But, to this day she can show me sides of myself that I forget sometimes. How many people will I share that closeness with?
How interesting would it be for my Dad to have actually seen me when I modeled nude for life drawing classes. Would something burst in his head when he realized I wasn't being exploited, that I was completely comfortable being naked in front of strangers, or that sleaze and dirtyness are in the minds and eyes of the beholder.
The world is limitless and huge. People make it small and compact and formulaic to survive it. Who will be around when I try to break the formula? Will I ever find comrades-in-arms? Will anyone trust me enough to share the vision, to bleed for the vision?
Or am I just a tired boy up past his bedtime?
I used to think the idea of an Internet Community was pretty lame (even when I was hired to build one). Most of you have been incredibly cool and interesting and helped change that impression (thanks esp. to DeadlyEye's and 2Cool's comments and to Aiofe's journals and jumpinjackshit for starting the TRUE punk group). So, come one, come all pummel me with ideas and thoughts and viewpoints and monospaced declarations of your existence...
All this stuff goes on inside my head. Everyone sees me from the outside and they have no idea what goes on in here. No idea what plans I have lined up. None of my friends believe in me. They love me and all that, but only two of them look at me and see the craziness I have looming on the horizon.
Does everyone else feel so isolated? Their inner wants and desires locked inside the self, while they go through the motions in the 9 to 5 world? I wonder if the people I work with have hopes and dreams or if they did and they don't anymore. They're all Sign Shop lifers and I'm just passing through. Putting in my time, planning my way to better things.
I hate saying it but the girl I fell in love with never got to know me. She never made it past the gates, man, I held them open for her, I would've taken such good care of her if she came in, but she just kinda circled the perimeter, making immature comments on a world she wasn't ready to comprehend.
How deep do they see when they look at me? Am I a shallow punk rocker taking the pose? Am I just tight pants and messy eyeliner? What about the work days when I wear the nice pants and a tie (do they think I'm denying the punker within)? Who sees an artist when they look? (Who even knows what an artist is anymore -- I know for certain it takes more than the ability to make a pretty picture or talk a line of bullshit)? How many people think I'm all talk? How many people think I don't say enough? Do they know it's just a matter of time? Who thinks I'm arrogant?
The people who think I care only about myself don't realize I try to be the best I can be to help all of those that I love.
Does anybody look at me and think "well, that boy there is biding his time, studying his ass off and becoming a strong person... I'll bet he's gonna try to shake the world one day."
How many people know how in love I am with every single person on the planet. How many people know I am dissapointed by most of the people I meet. Who knows how wide I leave myself open to betrayal (or how unapologetic I am about it)?
My teenage-love knew almost all of these things about me. Destiny didn't have us together, I pulled the plug. But, to this day she can show me sides of myself that I forget sometimes. How many people will I share that closeness with?
How interesting would it be for my Dad to have actually seen me when I modeled nude for life drawing classes. Would something burst in his head when he realized I wasn't being exploited, that I was completely comfortable being naked in front of strangers, or that sleaze and dirtyness are in the minds and eyes of the beholder.
The world is limitless and huge. People make it small and compact and formulaic to survive it. Who will be around when I try to break the formula? Will I ever find comrades-in-arms? Will anyone trust me enough to share the vision, to bleed for the vision?
Or am I just a tired boy up past his bedtime?
I used to think the idea of an Internet Community was pretty lame (even when I was hired to build one). Most of you have been incredibly cool and interesting and helped change that impression (thanks esp. to DeadlyEye's and 2Cool's comments and to Aiofe's journals and jumpinjackshit for starting the TRUE punk group). So, come one, come all pummel me with ideas and thoughts and viewpoints and monospaced declarations of your existence...
VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
2coolforschool:
Bro, I just made a "get fuzzy" group, but cant find it anywhere and its not on my "groups" list, so if you come across it let me know. I put it in arts and entertainment, but cant find it there either
2coolforschool:
I dont know......When I tried to create another one it said the group "already exists", so ill try to talk to some people in charge of their own group, maybe they can help.