boundcreature

I am bitter.

I can't make it go away. I am having a very hard time accepting that she could walk away from me so easily. It's very hard to deal with those first few months we were together being utter bullshit apparently. Every nice thing she ever said to me now feels like a hollow lie.

I do not feel special anymore.

I feel very lonely.

I have very strong urges to wrap myself completely around myself. To focus on working out hard, studying, and launching my publishing company. In this weird Henry-Rollins-esque way, I want to build myself up physically and mentally, to deal with the utter mess of hurt and betrayal that my emotions are currently in.

I am so angry. I am so bitter.

I don't want to be like this, I really don't. I wish I could just deal. Accept the facts and forget, but I can't forget.

The answer to all of this is in my arts. I know it. Martial Arts and Graphic Arts, gotta do everything I can to keep making myself better.

Growing twisted with all of this. Don't want to trust anybody. Don't want to let other girls know too much about me, I don't want to impress them, I don't want to be sweet or romantic. I want some kind of romantic vengeance. I don't want to ever hear some dumb little girl tell me how "talented" and "driven" I am only to walk away pitying me.

I get the feeling like I gotta wait til I meet the girl that knocks me out cold with one shot. Don't want to wait for that. I thought it was her but she high-tailed it when things got hard. Stupid little girl. She was 20 going on 18 and I'm 23 going on 30. I'm looking to save the world from itself and she wants some stupid fucking fine arts degree.

College kids are such fucking lightweights. Artists who go to College are a million times worse.

Quitting college was the best thing I ever did.

Okay, I'm bitter and angry and rambling now.

***

Last nights show was a let down. They started a half-hour early so I only got to see the last 30 seconds of the Horrorpops (which was enough to know that they were awesome last night). The Disasters and the Nekromantix only played about 5 songs each and the Business got to play about 10. The whole thing ended at 9:45. I was really excited to see all of the bands, but the Business were the only band that got a decent shot at having a great show.

Fuck Clear Channel disco clubs that shuttle punk shows out by 10 to make even more money by turning into a dance club. Fuck greedy everything.

Highlights of the night:

Roger Miret and the Disasters take the stage to an unenthusiastic crowd and seem pretty upset about that. In true, Legend-of-Punk-Rock style Miret takes a second before his third song to talk to the crowd, then drops his guitar to play a song that makes the previously-uninspired crowd lose their shit for the rest of his set. Miret is impressive. No doubt about it. Plus they played "Crucified" which is an incredibly righteous song now that I've read the lyrics.

Nekromantix played for less than a half hour, they didn't get a chance to have highlights.

The Business... What can be said about them? Fucking amazing, legendary punks. They turned the place upside down. There was a hooligan stampede going on for most of their set. They were challenging the kids to flip out more and more and making each song they played faster and faster until all hell was breaking loose. I've never listened to the Business before last night, but I'm thinking that is something I will change. The singers old-man arms and chest covered in tattoos are probably the punkest things I've ever seen.

At least there is always punk...

Well, sometimes. I had to headbutt this wee fucker who was being a tough guy last night so now I'm sore and I got this nasty cut on my face. It was uncool, he had this desire to keep hitting me until I hit him back hard enough for him to realize I was tougher or stronger or whatever bullshit little-kid-punk-tough-guy trip proving game he was playing was satisfied.

Sometimes I think I should start my day by knocking someone out in public ... I'd imagine if you did something like that consistently people would be less prone to fuck with you.