Today is my Birthday, but i'm thinking less about that, and more about random stuff. I think that happens to me more the older I get. I start thinking about how different things are now, little things. I think its interesting how much cell phones have changed everything, making our lives totally weird. The main weird thing is that nobody has a home answering machine anymore. You never have to come home and stand around by the kitchen, or next to the couch, or inside the couch, and listen to the messages from today. Future generations will actually never have that experience.
Historically speaking, the answering machine had a pretty short life, lasting only about 25 years. Being a man of almost three decades, I remember what it was like in the 80s before anyone had an answering machine. It was basically the same. But I have to say, in my household, when we got ours, it was a real kick. An exciting new art form was developing an entirely new medium unlike anything seen before and we were riding its crest. Outgoing Messages! People did all kinds of outgoing messages. There were rapping ones, foreign accent ones, robot ones. They even had tapes you could order off TV that had professionally-recorded wacky messages. But most people just made their own copied versions because the company didnt accept CODs. That was their first mistake. The second was that they never shouldve played the whole thing on TV. They shouldve just given us a teaser. People got amazing with their messages. Subgenres and trends began to develop. Family message. Mean message. Self-reflexive, or Brechtian, message. Animal message. Jeff Goldbloom message. And more. Copycat messages spread out across the vast telephone networks from one household to the next. One of the most classic ones that really took off was this one:
Hello?..Oh hey, whats up?Im just kidding, youre an idiot. Im not home right now, so leave a message after the beep.
(and then BEEP)
Or another one that was really popular for a while was this jerk-off one:
Hey, Im not home. You know what to do.
(and then BEEP)
That one, still to this day, makes me mad. Its like, fuck you, you dickhead. You ever hear of manners? Now I cant even remember why I was calling.
Sometimes we would recieve messages from my Dad, who didn't realize he was leaving a message, and he would just be saying "hello?" "helloooooooo?" HELLLLOOOOOO?
Another thing about those first answering machines is that they were gigantic. They could actually be considered furniture items if you were filling out an insurance form that listed which stuff got burned to smithereens in your house after the neighborhood kids were playing with matches on the grass hillside behind. Some of them had wood paneling on the sides. Some of them were made of solid diamonds, or ice cream. Ok that part isn't true. But they looked a lot like old drum machines. Some people got so confused, they actually had a drum machine for an answering machine. And when someone called up it just went brrrrrrrrrrr-bap-bap-bap-bap-bap-bap-boom-tsss-boom-boom-tsss-brrrrrrrrrrr-bap-bap-bap-bap-bap-bap But you had to somehow get the drum machine to beep at some point, because people dont know that the message is over until that beep goes off. They were truly trained that way. Its the same today, but in different ways.
(and then BEEP)
Historically speaking, the answering machine had a pretty short life, lasting only about 25 years. Being a man of almost three decades, I remember what it was like in the 80s before anyone had an answering machine. It was basically the same. But I have to say, in my household, when we got ours, it was a real kick. An exciting new art form was developing an entirely new medium unlike anything seen before and we were riding its crest. Outgoing Messages! People did all kinds of outgoing messages. There were rapping ones, foreign accent ones, robot ones. They even had tapes you could order off TV that had professionally-recorded wacky messages. But most people just made their own copied versions because the company didnt accept CODs. That was their first mistake. The second was that they never shouldve played the whole thing on TV. They shouldve just given us a teaser. People got amazing with their messages. Subgenres and trends began to develop. Family message. Mean message. Self-reflexive, or Brechtian, message. Animal message. Jeff Goldbloom message. And more. Copycat messages spread out across the vast telephone networks from one household to the next. One of the most classic ones that really took off was this one:
Hello?..Oh hey, whats up?Im just kidding, youre an idiot. Im not home right now, so leave a message after the beep.
(and then BEEP)
Or another one that was really popular for a while was this jerk-off one:
Hey, Im not home. You know what to do.
(and then BEEP)
That one, still to this day, makes me mad. Its like, fuck you, you dickhead. You ever hear of manners? Now I cant even remember why I was calling.
Sometimes we would recieve messages from my Dad, who didn't realize he was leaving a message, and he would just be saying "hello?" "helloooooooo?" HELLLLOOOOOO?
Another thing about those first answering machines is that they were gigantic. They could actually be considered furniture items if you were filling out an insurance form that listed which stuff got burned to smithereens in your house after the neighborhood kids were playing with matches on the grass hillside behind. Some of them had wood paneling on the sides. Some of them were made of solid diamonds, or ice cream. Ok that part isn't true. But they looked a lot like old drum machines. Some people got so confused, they actually had a drum machine for an answering machine. And when someone called up it just went brrrrrrrrrrr-bap-bap-bap-bap-bap-bap-boom-tsss-boom-boom-tsss-brrrrrrrrrrr-bap-bap-bap-bap-bap-bap But you had to somehow get the drum machine to beep at some point, because people dont know that the message is over until that beep goes off. They were truly trained that way. Its the same today, but in different ways.
(and then BEEP)
On another note, Happy birthday. Hope this year brings with it all that you wish for.
You in your sweet new pad yet?