bluvelvet

wow. this weekend was not exactly what i expected. in a bad way. now don't get me wrong, i drank for longer than i slept on any given day, and got high as a kite whenever i pleased. both of those things were expected. getting the "i don't want to be in a relationship now." conversation with A as the sun is just barely over the horizon on the beach on a beautiful july day was not. at least not entirely.

while she and i have been hanging out with each other, getting closer, so on and so forth, the battle cry of "i don't want to be in a relationship now" was occasionally thrown out there. sadly, to me, the full force of what this really meant didn't hit home. i thought that there was some sort of horseshit movie theme kinda thing happening where she didn't want to be in a relationship now, but then i came along. or something just as off base, near sighted, sadly cliched, and just as unlikely. but you always want to be optomistic in these sorts of situations, especially when you are falling for someone.

now really, i should at this point in life be a little more observant when it comes to these things. i mean she kept saying, out loud, repeatedly "i don't want to be in a relationship right now." yet somehow, that clear statement was totally misinterpreted by me. not really misinterpreted, more......ignored. "surely she means a relationship with anyone but me" oooookaaay. so then it occurs to me that had i actually listened to what she was saying and believed that she meant it, i would have known this to be an eventuality.

instead, it did three things.

1) caught me off guard. i wasn't expecting it, not then, not that
2) make me realize what an utter fool i had been. when i saw how saying that didn't change her demeanor towards me or how we interacted i realized how little she really feels for me.
3) hurt way more than i thought it would. for various reasons, including the fact that she voiced the whole "....don't want ...relationship..." thing, i tried to take every moment just for what it was. the whole thing was odd from the start, but it didn't bother me and so i decided to just roll with it. no expectations, just come what may. i got clobbered by this one. she is smart and has great taste in music and is soo beautiful. i didn't know what hit me.

so, here i am. sitting in my apartment. alone. again. nursing this weekends umteenth beer, with the remains of a sunburn so bad it is blistering (6 days after i got burned), a little sad, a little hurt, and really angry with myself for letting me get to this point.