blueyedemon

Since I fucked up and flopped by basically taking myself out and dying on my folk's floor, and ruined some friendships previous because of pain pills, and I was dope sick for at least 2 weeks straight, with all the worst of dope sick symptoms. I was not myself in any manner of speaking. My mind, psyche, and emotions were being altered by the addiction, and I was already on a steamroller to self-destruction with the pills, other pills, other other pills, all mixed together...And that is just a bad combo, and I knew it, but didn't care because I was in my own selfish and self-inflicted wounded world. Twisted on chemicals 24/7. There was no control over nearly any aspect of my life. I guess I'm lucky I have something to come home to.
One of my best friends recently went through a divorce after a decade with his ex, and so we became roommates because it was a window of time that worked for us both. He was worried as hell, and only after returning have I realized what devastation one leaves in their wake by either attempting or actually killing themselves, as I did...
Anyhow, all my family was affected, close friends worried literally to the point of sickness, tears...I have stirred up so much debris and hurt and pain and worry that it changed my life. I died, and they were able to save my body from dying somehow...And I have a completely new lease on life.
I wish to do good for others. Help those with various addictions, because I've been to almost every extreme with many a substance. Nobody's tried -everything- (minus Hunter S. Thompson and Dr. Gonzo perhaps), but I've tried enough things and been through different phases of addiction to various substances. I've been to each of those extremes, and can maybe help that person that a Councilor that gets paid $90/hr doesn't understand inside himself because he's never been addicted or tried that chemical or substance. Anyhow, it's something I'm trying to do think about doing from now on. If I spot someone with the tell-tale signs, I'll non-judgmentally help them get over what they need to get over. And without the damn price tag of a supposed Councilor or PhD.
I had a very serious conversation yesterday with a close friend who works at our local tat & piercing shop, and he laid it out in a very plain, assertive manner about what I had done during a drunk spell I went through that caused me to black out but continue to move and talk, etc. (i.e. black-out zombie) and did some fucked up things that I won't even bother with the details I've gathered, as I don't remember -any- of it...
It is time for reparations and apologies and reversing the negative snowball energy field that surrounds me into something positive. To be a better person and learn from this mistake.
I renewed my Tang Soo Do classes (after years of putting it off after breaking a foot with a black belt during sparring) and have gone twice, and once sparring over the weekend. I also bought the full package access to
the weights and machine room connected to my instructor's studio. I'm already a green belt 2nd deg. and so the class was like riding a bike: it was coming back in an intuitive way to me, the forms and movements and what to do and how to do the forms, etc.
I wrote one friend in particular an apology letter that I hope she accepts, because I think out of all the fucked up things that I did in the the previous 1 1/2 months was appalling and inexcusable. It was childish, if you will, in that I should and did know better somewhere in my head. But that's another story.
So anyhow, making amends with those whom I can right now, trying to rebuild bridges previously burnt, etc.
May the Gods help me.