I may start to feel better, but it only lasts a day or two at the most before I just collapse again. Sometimes I'm even so busy I don't worry, or even think about it.
But when I do, it comes right back. It's been crushing me for two years. January 15th, 2005 is the date I remember, when I just collapsed from it for the first time and broke down on my floor. And ever since, it's kept on with no sign of slowing.
I've come a long way. I've tried everything I could think of to fix myself. I've lost 60 pounds, I've gained a better sense of style, I've learned to be more social, and I've been through therapy and on medications.... it just seems like I've done so much, as if I've lived a whole life in the last two years just running from this pain.
But it doesn't stop. And I still want to die. More and more as time goes on. Nothing improves, and I still get caught up too much in personal politics. I'll keep trying to get somewhere, but I'm just running in circles without anyone holding my hand.
I'm convinced I couldn't hold a job. My mood shifts too frequently, I have too much trouble with people, and my attention span as short as my motivation is low. I'm poisoning myself, but.... I don't have anything to combat it with. I'm not.....intimate with anyone now, and there's no one to support me and to push me through.
It's cold and empty and dragging, and I fall in love with everyone I meet but am never loved back. And as soon as I move on, drastic things happen and hold me back.
I feel pretty lifeless... I wish I could sink down to the bottom, and build myself up again. There's no bottom to sink to, and I remain at this hovering level where nothing ever happens and nothing ever changes.
I wish I knew what I wanted, and I wish I could sum it down to one thing. And I wish I could get that one thing, and move on.
But my greatest fear still is that I'll get that thing, and I'll recognize it.... and I still won't be satisfied. And that will be the end.
I'm not sure why I'm posting this here. Internet people are slightly validating, but not at all comforting.
Maybe I'll find that bottom to sink to....
But when I do, it comes right back. It's been crushing me for two years. January 15th, 2005 is the date I remember, when I just collapsed from it for the first time and broke down on my floor. And ever since, it's kept on with no sign of slowing.
I've come a long way. I've tried everything I could think of to fix myself. I've lost 60 pounds, I've gained a better sense of style, I've learned to be more social, and I've been through therapy and on medications.... it just seems like I've done so much, as if I've lived a whole life in the last two years just running from this pain.
But it doesn't stop. And I still want to die. More and more as time goes on. Nothing improves, and I still get caught up too much in personal politics. I'll keep trying to get somewhere, but I'm just running in circles without anyone holding my hand.
I'm convinced I couldn't hold a job. My mood shifts too frequently, I have too much trouble with people, and my attention span as short as my motivation is low. I'm poisoning myself, but.... I don't have anything to combat it with. I'm not.....intimate with anyone now, and there's no one to support me and to push me through.
It's cold and empty and dragging, and I fall in love with everyone I meet but am never loved back. And as soon as I move on, drastic things happen and hold me back.
I feel pretty lifeless... I wish I could sink down to the bottom, and build myself up again. There's no bottom to sink to, and I remain at this hovering level where nothing ever happens and nothing ever changes.
I wish I knew what I wanted, and I wish I could sum it down to one thing. And I wish I could get that one thing, and move on.
But my greatest fear still is that I'll get that thing, and I'll recognize it.... and I still won't be satisfied. And that will be the end.
I'm not sure why I'm posting this here. Internet people are slightly validating, but not at all comforting.
Maybe I'll find that bottom to sink to....