bittersuite102116

my mind is getting more and more harsh every day. it's like pruning the flowers and they grow more: i will tell myself not to worry anymore and i feel fine for half a day and then it creeps back even more. it's all i think about all day. little things like music or the radio will stray me for a while but nothing really helps. i just wish i had someone to talk to, havent had that in a couple years or so. i dont even have any prospects for friends or a mate, nothing to look forward to, and i keep wondering what the reason is that i get up and live every day.
is this all my fault? or is it who i am, just here to be alone because i dont relate to anybody and dont know how to integrate into other peoples' lives. maybe i had all my chances to do that already. i guess i did have a lot of opportunity to know people before compared to now. now it's like i meet one new person every 6 months. and then they just vanish right after.
i just dont know what to do. i feel stupid and inadequate.

i was thinking the other day how i will hear people say things like "i don't even want to think about who or where i would be without you" about their signifigant other. well i think i am there right now. i know how shitty i am without whoever was supposed to be here with me.