bionicfemme

....Holy fuckerz. I can't believe what just happened. The ex called, we haven't talked in a month. I'll give her a name, we'll just call her N. I don't understand her. Last time I talked to her, she said we could never be friends, got all bitchy and hung up on me. I've spent countless days and nights crying over her bitch-ass and how she cheated on me and verbally abused me. So then she calls me and I get all nervous, stuttering up a stupid convo. We were having a good conversation, but then all of a sudden she got solemn and said she had to go abruptly. Maybe the emotion of talking to me again conjured up memories and scared her. I don't know. I hate when she does this to me. Everytime I think i'm finally over her and I can go on with my life, she comes back in like a sudden rainstorm and stirs everything back all over again. I miss her. Sometimes I think I still love her. In my mind, I know it's because she's the first person I slept with, and that can be the only reason I am so attatched to someone so cruel. My friends say I should go out, forget my first, find a second and third and fourth, think that the only reason she still stings me is because she's my first and nothing will ever hurt this badly again. I sure hope to God everybody's right. When I hear her voice, I think about how much I love her and how we can never be together because I have more dignity than to put up with some asshole who cheats on me and talks nonstop shit. (And who isn't even all that intelligent.) When I hear her laugh, I feel 10,000,000 knives stabbing me in that same place where my heart used to be. I tried my hardest to be everything for her, and she still acted like the bitchy player she is. I hate the world we're living in. Nobody is right-hearted anymore, and when they finally do get someone who is good to them, they don't realize it until it's too late. So they take, they hurt, and they don't look back until they've battered who was good to them to the point of a jaded no-return. I wish I could meet a nice girl that would prove to me that everything will be alright. That would quiet my soul. All I feel is raging angst and terror that N is my first and will be my last. Her words still echo in my head...."You can't break up with me; nobody will ever love you the way I do."