bionicfemme

Fuck...if I listen to Radiohead's "The Bends" one more time, i'm going to pass out and choke on my own tongue.

Ironic...everytime I hear track #9, "Bulletproof...I wish I was" all I can think is that it would be a wonderful song to kiss some girl to. And i'm not bulletproof by any means.

When I think of where i've ended up, I think of an angel or fairy that has had its wings ripped off by some sadistic 9 year old that doesn't know any better, that i'm covered in blood and torn feathers and have gone limp, dying on someone's windowsill.

I had a dream that my dying father called out to me last night for forgiveness. I will ignore the plea, not call him today, go out for coffee and endure the stinging alone.

I've been really depressed lately, I don't know why. Actually, I do know why. I thought I was strong enough to take all of the shit that had happened to me in the past from lovers and parents and deaths that happened in front of me and I am not strong enough to take these things anymore. I don't know why i'm going on or for whom.

Alyson and Celeste and their love is the most beautiful thing i've seen and it makes me cut harder into myself emotionally for not being able to earn it.

I used to think that in relationships, if someone just wanted to grab my ass or shove their tongue down my throat that at least they wanted me for something. Anything. And as long as I made someone happy, that was all that mattered.

But it isn't like that anymore. I guess ever since I dated Stacey I realized, fuck, I sure as hell do not deserve to be called a cockface, and I don't like the way she threatens to punch me when I kiss her. This is ridiculous. I don't deserve that from anyone. And I used to think that if the bullshit that was hurled at me was only medium-density, if I was strong enough to take it, then it must not be all that bad at all, and if this person isn't completely brutalizing me, it's OK.

Fuck, it is not OK.

I am supposed to be with someone who I have a lot in common with, someone who is a good person, someone that I can have a good time with and connect with on multiple levels. None of this "Well, if she isn't actually beating me, everything is fine" shit.

I don't wanna be sold short anymore.

And now I don't know where to go to find this, now that I know what I want. It can't be at clubs, it can't be at school, it can't be at volunteering, and it probably won't happen at a poetry slam, although i'd want it to.

I've run out of options.