Last night, I drew my knees up to my chest and sucked my thumb in the dark, swaddled in my blanket to the point of looking like a sock. I remembered the two people I could not save.
The effeminate punk boy with no mother. The green eyed musician with an alcoholic father. The two loves of my life. I miss the stupid one.
I wondered if I could have been strong enough to save them, if perhaps I could have been more clever or better as a girlfriend, if they would be with me still, if I could have purified them of everything and absolved them of all their sins.
I want someone to hold me and tell me i'm a beautiful girl, that they want me for ANY reason at all and if I can just get out and get to that point, I will be content. If I can just make it out.
Weakness. Weakness all over the place. I shouldn't need someone to tell me anything, but I want it, i'm hungry for it, and yes, YES! I'm lonely! There is a difference between loneliness and desperation. Desperation means you'll take anyone, loneliness means you crave something more. I DO crave something more.
When I threw myself at Liz and asked if I could spend the night with her, I didn't want sex, it wasn't about that. I just wanted someone to keep me warm. Someone to wake up to in the morning. Something tangible. Someone to suck on my earlobe and whisper plans for the day. Run their fingers through my hair. Ask if I look more like my white father or asian mother, since my features are soooo "unique."
FUCK IT, I WANT it and I will do anything anything anything for it.
I'm selling myself and selling out for so cheap. All this and MORE for $1.05. I will give you undying love and unyielding faithfulness and Romanticist odes for an all new low price! I'll swallow your pain and tell you it tastes like caramel apple.
BUY IT! BUY INTO IT!
If I was prettier or stronger or better I could beat my competitors, you'd see! You'd see that you get 75% more for SUCH a low price!
I could give everything to you, everything for you, I could brush away your amber tears and take a whole lot of your bullshit as long as you lie and you say you love me or SOMETHING. ANYTHING! And as long as you tell me I am most certainly nicer and prettier than the "other woman," just give me a citation and it won't be plagiarism.
I could be better than a boy, better than a girl, made of all lightweight materials and sturdy like adamantium.
But fuck it, you won't see, you won't come around. That would make too much sense.
"I could be a good girlfriend, God! I just need a chance to prove it!" -Me
"Fuck it honey, I know. There's no such thing as the perfect lover, but I think you're damn near the closest thing. Even I flirt with you and i'm straight." -Heather
"Ha! Silly girl. Nobody sees it the way you do. They don't see me that way. Always cloaked in mirrors." -Me
"Someone will, someone will see you the way I do. And they will love you for it." -Heather
"HA! A joke. I am invisible, didn't you know?" -Me
Come ON. $1.05. You can't pass up a deal like that.
I'll do anything for it. The shitty thing is, I shouldn't have to fight for it, i've done that too many times and have been taken advantage of. Someone else should do it. Someone should bring it to my doorstep like a bloody bird's head left by a cat.
And I will tell you it's the most beautiful thing i've ever seen.
The effeminate punk boy with no mother. The green eyed musician with an alcoholic father. The two loves of my life. I miss the stupid one.
I wondered if I could have been strong enough to save them, if perhaps I could have been more clever or better as a girlfriend, if they would be with me still, if I could have purified them of everything and absolved them of all their sins.
I want someone to hold me and tell me i'm a beautiful girl, that they want me for ANY reason at all and if I can just get out and get to that point, I will be content. If I can just make it out.
Weakness. Weakness all over the place. I shouldn't need someone to tell me anything, but I want it, i'm hungry for it, and yes, YES! I'm lonely! There is a difference between loneliness and desperation. Desperation means you'll take anyone, loneliness means you crave something more. I DO crave something more.
When I threw myself at Liz and asked if I could spend the night with her, I didn't want sex, it wasn't about that. I just wanted someone to keep me warm. Someone to wake up to in the morning. Something tangible. Someone to suck on my earlobe and whisper plans for the day. Run their fingers through my hair. Ask if I look more like my white father or asian mother, since my features are soooo "unique."
FUCK IT, I WANT it and I will do anything anything anything for it.
I'm selling myself and selling out for so cheap. All this and MORE for $1.05. I will give you undying love and unyielding faithfulness and Romanticist odes for an all new low price! I'll swallow your pain and tell you it tastes like caramel apple.
BUY IT! BUY INTO IT!
If I was prettier or stronger or better I could beat my competitors, you'd see! You'd see that you get 75% more for SUCH a low price!
I could give everything to you, everything for you, I could brush away your amber tears and take a whole lot of your bullshit as long as you lie and you say you love me or SOMETHING. ANYTHING! And as long as you tell me I am most certainly nicer and prettier than the "other woman," just give me a citation and it won't be plagiarism.
I could be better than a boy, better than a girl, made of all lightweight materials and sturdy like adamantium.
But fuck it, you won't see, you won't come around. That would make too much sense.
"I could be a good girlfriend, God! I just need a chance to prove it!" -Me
"Fuck it honey, I know. There's no such thing as the perfect lover, but I think you're damn near the closest thing. Even I flirt with you and i'm straight." -Heather
"Ha! Silly girl. Nobody sees it the way you do. They don't see me that way. Always cloaked in mirrors." -Me
"Someone will, someone will see you the way I do. And they will love you for it." -Heather
"HA! A joke. I am invisible, didn't you know?" -Me
Come ON. $1.05. You can't pass up a deal like that.
I'll do anything for it. The shitty thing is, I shouldn't have to fight for it, i've done that too many times and have been taken advantage of. Someone else should do it. Someone should bring it to my doorstep like a bloody bird's head left by a cat.
And I will tell you it's the most beautiful thing i've ever seen.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
I wish that things were different- cause I know a lot of people round here that would jump at the chance to make those wonderful things happen for you.
You are much loved around here- just take a moment and look.
-randall