billybillybilly

{revised and expanded}

halloween and past

lazy saturday filled up with insights, none of which i wish on...

heavy conversations, lots of writing, several letters and dear... have i betrayed you? you've shaken up my trust and fall is empty now. i hope this winter hibernates. this time, take some for yourself. all that's left is all i dread.

later on into daytime... evening started by conversation takes a car crash turning my notes on ear. sisters live while other sisters worry.

took a break, shook around. danced a little, provided an arm. i didn't even know the song, but went along and you gave me what i needed then. met a friend and made a new one. even took a pic at dinner:










braced hard after and into sunday morning. locked tense waiting for ends to tie themselves up. journals cracked, words that can't be taken back. the leaves have fallen all that's left are the skeleton branches.

eek. i fear i'll never have it there. can't be there for me, so how will this be sounding on response?

mood swinging wild through crooked chill breezes.

blowing cigarette butts off your porch and tense pacing. there i was pacing, catching traces of cars in the spaces between my arms and legs. standing here making me stop i'm a fucking wreck. i'm ashes of a train wreck breaking down and folding over with my arms around my canvas jacket. hands in pockets smoking steady, a skrunched up fuckd face can't look in anyone's eyes, and it was JUST too perfect. so i smiled, took another picture...















lots of angry imagery pulsing through and leading in voices left hanging on dead carriers. waiting like a rock in my car seat... looking through the branches down Nicollet to watch the streetlight shine and flicker up and down and waiting, can't wait...

switched shut receivers. stutterthought. shatterpain. sitting/staring.

is this the way alone is meant to feel? so solid?

* * * * *








today at work i'm granted feeling better. i message out to reach a support. so i need this. push me pull me, push me... oh pull me out...

her name was "Cherish Rapp," and perhaps for that i'll love her.

names of baseball players come to mind, who knows what's happened with them. i bought a new book, if you need me i'll be coping.

for the Bible fans out there, the last Noah was mentioned during life after the flood he'd found a way to consume the juices of fermented grapes. nothing after that was mentioned up to death, and so and so begat so and so...

so and so begat this one...
this one begat that one...

a breeze blows, planes look toward new york.

* * * * *


must have been fate, because here i am. shaking hard unwinding, shooting promises into the atmosphere. worried hard drive took so long felt so fucking angryhappyfrightenedneedy couldn't have been a longer ten than i've ever spent wishing you're alright.

drive drive drive

switch lane switch route new directions
drive drive drive
sharp right
blown light
drive drive drive
weave right hang further
left left cranks wheel
drive drive stop

round a corner i'm running running ran past it. back track foot up jump throw leg over land pound on glass.

pound. pound. pound.
slammed choking calling message tense and stuffy.
waiting waiting, new calls running walking pacing go to the front this time.

go go go

there it is, this is fate i'm not sure yet. but there's talking, and it's perfect there's a magic i can't get past. don't know why or what, but i could leave it feeling like a weight that pulled me pushed me out was gone and i could smile like i meant it.

she looks so beautiful. those eyes, those fucking eyes. those smoky beautiful fucking eyes. those traced red eyes, the black mascara. she is beautiful.

embrace.

consider me recharging.