bigdan11

Just live. Thats what he said to me. He said, dont be sucessful. Dont be a failure. Just be. There are so many things you can do with your body. You can destroy it with exercise. You can enrich it with drugs. You can be all that you can be or you can shot a movie with your eyes.

Shot a movie with your eyes. I used to sit back and decide and bring scenes of all the things I wanted to see in film in my mind. It was always to music. I think that the perfect marriage of arts is cinema and music. Music videos have only touched on the surface. Aerosmith came close. Good God. The spell check is saying I spelled Aerosmith wrong. When is technology and the aristocracy going to catch up with the proletariat. I am angreier than I should be about this. There are one of two things happening right now. One is that I am spelling Aerosmith wrong or Microsoft word has not caught up with modern culture. Well that answers the question doesnt it. I dont get any kind of spelling error indication under Microsoft, but I get one under Aerosmith. Damn them. Damn them to hell. I like Aerosmith. I am not a huge fan, but I can say that they are truly an icon of modern culture. Microsoft is with it enough to know that they exist, but obviously not together enough to know that something that was around before Bill Gates was born has become an icon. Bastards.

So what can you say. What can you do? Does anything truly matter? Does it have to? I can go mad and create a world around me or live within the world that my eyes present me with and accept what I see. Hitler tried that. He failed. He dragged millions of people down with him. The Marquis De Sade tried to create a world around himself. Ended up writing sex stories in his own feces on the walls of his cell. Well I guess the internet is our only answer. The last place where we can lash out at the world with a relative degree of anonymity. Wow. I worked really hard in my drunken state to spell that one right. I am done. I have written something and now I am going to crawl back into my shell. Have a good night everyone.

I watch this movie. Its good. It is about a girl who is unloved. I drink this beer. It is light so there arent any consequences. I just think about Tracy. Not the Tracy that is now. She is not real. She is not the person I fell in love with. I watch these movies and everytime I see one. I sit back and tell them everything they can to to make their lives better. It tell the attractive athletic boy who he should be hitting on. I tell the beautiful girl who she should give it up to, but I dont have the wisdom to tell myself to get over it or what to do about my life about my circumstances. I have anger that has built up inside. A lot of it surrounds Tracy. You may ask me do I still love this girl. The answer is yes. I miss everything about her. I have seen her these days though. Because you have shown yourself to me. Everything about you is straight to the core. It is like you dont have layers. You are a person without shields. In a world full of shields you are the only one without. I love that about you. I hate that about you. Everything I have ever been taught. Every preparation I have ever made is totally gone. You come to me with your hat in your hands. I love it when a girl wears a hat. And there you are without your shields. I have my photon torpedos trained on you. I have you in my sights. And there you are. Defenseless. Exposed. And not embarressed. It makes me ashamed. Ashamed for having weapons to begin with. Ashamed for having shields. Ashamed for, simply because I was told this it the way it is, assuming that I need these things to begin with. And then after I take them down. After I have told you everything. After you know who I am and what has made me and all the things that make me who I am. All the things that are the things that love and care about. The secret dark places. The light that shines out of me. The medicore. Everything. Then you leave. And you dont come back. Goodbye lover.

She sits at the end of the bed with her head in her arms. She knows she should be thinking of more important things than this, but she cant get over the smell of the fabric softener. She is wearing a long sleeve shirt. She has cried the shirt to the point of soaking, but she can still smell the fabric softener. It must be a good fabric softener. Fabric softener isnt important anymore. She just left him. And that seemed so incredible. She thought she never could, but she did. And she opened an new chapter in her life. This times with shields.