It's the last day of the year and it's time to write an entry. Joy. I do believe that sometimes this is the only shit keeping me alive. And if an internet porn/social/elitist community is the only damned thing I look forward to then I'm so screwed.
I haven't wanted to write as of late. The isolation depression has come back big time and it's knocking me on my ass with the force of a tidal wave. Mabye listening to all this electronic music has made me odd. Chiptunes, video game soundtracks, and lots of illbient sounds can do that to a person. All I know now is that I want to take a drink and cry for a while. It's hard to live alone. It's hard as hell to be alone and know that you feel odd and strange and scared to show your true self. I want to be me and if being me means I have to be alone to do it, then so be it. I just wish there was more tolerance and acceptance in the world. I know this means me as well and I totally wish I was more tolerant and accepting. Ethical high horses make one a little less able to see the shit his horse has just laid on the ground.
Mabye I should have that drink before work tonight. Who knows?
- I Dare To Be Different and I Get Left Alone For It -
One of my new years resolutions is the idea that I will get out more. To that end, I set up a meet with one of the girls I'd like to be with on myspace, and we met. That is to say, I met her with a group of her friends, all male and all looking like Chris Carraba clones. Thin, white, geeky, cute. She mooned over them and barely paid me any attention all night. She left without saying goodbye to me and hasn't been online since. Good for her. She's a chunky girl who wants a slender white geek boy and she didn't have the courage to just come out and say that. To me, I'm tired of dealing with little girls and such but I'm not sure how else to deal with this shit.
The interests I have I worry will make it impossible for me to find someone to date. It's something of an obsession now as I am living in a place that simultaneously doesn't like people like me and just doesn't care to want to get to know people period. Meeting people like me is hard and I want to meet people like me to hang out with. I don't want to hang out with people who are going to look at my interests and not get it or not like it. That shit is mad counterproductive. But it's hard to be black and a geek. Geek girls normally don't like a big black dude with soft eyes, a sneer on his face, big opinions and music tastes that even they find out there.
I just don't want to stop but I'm so not sure how to keep going.
- Decisions -
This has all made me decide a few things for 2005:
1. I WILL drive this year. I will have my license by the end of the winter, preferably in a month, and I will have my car down here by Valentine's day. I will drive this year. I'm tired off of living off the kindness of near swtrangers. Fuck kindness. I'm out for me now and a promotion, more dating and socializing, more life is bound with a car. I hate that that is so...but fighting it this much more is impossible unless I move back north. And even that's a bit of a harsh move right now. So driving is the first big goal.
2. I will be healthier this year. I don't care to be useless at 40. This means losing weight, getting my foot problems taken care of, getting my skin issues cleared up and mabye getting that laser surgery for my eyes. I'm tired of having to wear glasses all the time and it's time to do more for myself.
3. I will be out of debt with my school by the end of this year. I want to live again and a big part of that is to pay off the bastards at my school. When they are paid, I can finally go out and do what I need to do to get by and get beyond.
These are the goals I've set for myself. Now, the trick will be to do something for each goal each day. Here's to hoping.
I'm going to end this rant now. Normally I go longer but for now, it's time to stop. Some end notes, though...
1. Tammy has come back into my life. Some time ago, I'd still be pissed at her for what she did but now I see she did the best things she could at the time. She understands why I was so angry now and still wants to be a part of my life as a friend. I'm wary, since she has a man she's fucking, and since I never ever stopped loving her but I'll oblige her for now. She's also Air Force woman so I'll be wary about being honest with her. But she does deserve another chance. At least she's not fucking me over like April did so long ago. I may describe this one out later on but for now, I'll just say that Tammy may become the woman I always thought she could be and for that, I'll give her another chance to be my friend.
2. I took out my braids. Amy put them in and they hurt. I took them out and now I want them back in but only after I relax my hair with a blow out kit. It'll probably be a bit before I do it and if so, it will hurt again. Such is beauty, I guess.
3. More on Amy. I've finally figured her out. She's like me a lot: good days and bad. So from now on, we deal in business and talk occasionally and little else. I can't deal with a frumpy puppy like her anymore on a day to day.
4. LaShawn, this is a direct message to you: be strong. Check your voicemail, call me and be strong, ok? I know it's hard for you now but things will get better. I promise you. I really like you a lot and would like to get to know you more and be more to you then a passing crush but not until you're ready. So talk to me and give me a heads up. I'm more patient then you think....
And on that note, I'm out. See you in 2005.
I haven't wanted to write as of late. The isolation depression has come back big time and it's knocking me on my ass with the force of a tidal wave. Mabye listening to all this electronic music has made me odd. Chiptunes, video game soundtracks, and lots of illbient sounds can do that to a person. All I know now is that I want to take a drink and cry for a while. It's hard to live alone. It's hard as hell to be alone and know that you feel odd and strange and scared to show your true self. I want to be me and if being me means I have to be alone to do it, then so be it. I just wish there was more tolerance and acceptance in the world. I know this means me as well and I totally wish I was more tolerant and accepting. Ethical high horses make one a little less able to see the shit his horse has just laid on the ground.
Mabye I should have that drink before work tonight. Who knows?
- I Dare To Be Different and I Get Left Alone For It -
One of my new years resolutions is the idea that I will get out more. To that end, I set up a meet with one of the girls I'd like to be with on myspace, and we met. That is to say, I met her with a group of her friends, all male and all looking like Chris Carraba clones. Thin, white, geeky, cute. She mooned over them and barely paid me any attention all night. She left without saying goodbye to me and hasn't been online since. Good for her. She's a chunky girl who wants a slender white geek boy and she didn't have the courage to just come out and say that. To me, I'm tired of dealing with little girls and such but I'm not sure how else to deal with this shit.
The interests I have I worry will make it impossible for me to find someone to date. It's something of an obsession now as I am living in a place that simultaneously doesn't like people like me and just doesn't care to want to get to know people period. Meeting people like me is hard and I want to meet people like me to hang out with. I don't want to hang out with people who are going to look at my interests and not get it or not like it. That shit is mad counterproductive. But it's hard to be black and a geek. Geek girls normally don't like a big black dude with soft eyes, a sneer on his face, big opinions and music tastes that even they find out there.
I just don't want to stop but I'm so not sure how to keep going.
- Decisions -
This has all made me decide a few things for 2005:
1. I WILL drive this year. I will have my license by the end of the winter, preferably in a month, and I will have my car down here by Valentine's day. I will drive this year. I'm tired off of living off the kindness of near swtrangers. Fuck kindness. I'm out for me now and a promotion, more dating and socializing, more life is bound with a car. I hate that that is so...but fighting it this much more is impossible unless I move back north. And even that's a bit of a harsh move right now. So driving is the first big goal.
2. I will be healthier this year. I don't care to be useless at 40. This means losing weight, getting my foot problems taken care of, getting my skin issues cleared up and mabye getting that laser surgery for my eyes. I'm tired of having to wear glasses all the time and it's time to do more for myself.
3. I will be out of debt with my school by the end of this year. I want to live again and a big part of that is to pay off the bastards at my school. When they are paid, I can finally go out and do what I need to do to get by and get beyond.
These are the goals I've set for myself. Now, the trick will be to do something for each goal each day. Here's to hoping.
I'm going to end this rant now. Normally I go longer but for now, it's time to stop. Some end notes, though...
1. Tammy has come back into my life. Some time ago, I'd still be pissed at her for what she did but now I see she did the best things she could at the time. She understands why I was so angry now and still wants to be a part of my life as a friend. I'm wary, since she has a man she's fucking, and since I never ever stopped loving her but I'll oblige her for now. She's also Air Force woman so I'll be wary about being honest with her. But she does deserve another chance. At least she's not fucking me over like April did so long ago. I may describe this one out later on but for now, I'll just say that Tammy may become the woman I always thought she could be and for that, I'll give her another chance to be my friend.
2. I took out my braids. Amy put them in and they hurt. I took them out and now I want them back in but only after I relax my hair with a blow out kit. It'll probably be a bit before I do it and if so, it will hurt again. Such is beauty, I guess.
3. More on Amy. I've finally figured her out. She's like me a lot: good days and bad. So from now on, we deal in business and talk occasionally and little else. I can't deal with a frumpy puppy like her anymore on a day to day.
4. LaShawn, this is a direct message to you: be strong. Check your voicemail, call me and be strong, ok? I know it's hard for you now but things will get better. I promise you. I really like you a lot and would like to get to know you more and be more to you then a passing crush but not until you're ready. So talk to me and give me a heads up. I'm more patient then you think....
And on that note, I'm out. See you in 2005.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
some people are better left alone
And then I usually cry. But Henry Rollins is an outcast and a total badass...so we kind of have good company in our no company.
Anyway, happy new year...