Got my car back yesterday. Can barely smell the melted plastic smell...i think the detailers went a lil overboard with the Armor-all to cover it up. If the weather is nice this weekend I think i will febreeze it & open the windows up & let it air out in the sun. But really they did a really good job getting the smell out & added bonus my car is sparkling clean inside & out...we shall see how long that lasts LOL.
I hope they don't notice that I put about 300 mi on the Loaner car going to Columbus & back LOL.
Stupid me tho...I forgot that it was almost due for an oil change until the maintenance light came on today...so FML I have to take it back & get an oil change now when I coulda just had them do it while it was there being worked on. Dumbass.
The cigarette battle rages on...but i know i will come out victorious...if u want something enough...
I am also determined to TRY to make use of the exercise room when i move into the new place...when i lost all that weight during my anorexia bout I lost muscle weight, so while I went down to almost my pre-marriage weight (i should note my anorexia was NOT anorexia nervosa, i was not intentionally starving myself), bottoming out at 131#, I looked kinda weird. Loose flabby skin & bones...cuz I lost muscle, not fat. Well now that I am recovering I have gained the muscle back, but the fat is still there cuz I was so desperate to eat, i ate whatever i Could (on the advice of my doctors cuz i was losing weight so rapidly they wanted me to eat ANYTHING, as long as I ate), which was usually whatever I could get down my gullet before my appetite disappeared & the nausea returned...which meant I was eating crap food. So now I have my muscle back but I'm now 150# with chubb. Sooooo....I need to learn to exercise & stick with it (never been able to last a week before) cuz I wanna be healthy & lean & stuff. I don't wanna be thin necessarily, I just want to be back to my bottom-out weight, but muscle - not fat & bones. I don't feel comfortable in my own body at this weight & I know it is not good to have this much belly fat. And I swear if I get cankles again I might just blow my head off so I am trying to prevent the cankles from returning...plus it would be helpful I think to replace some bad habits (smoking, eating shit, not exercising,etc.) with healthier habits (exercising, eating healthy, etc. etc.). I am gonna buy G a yoga mat for her bday cuz she is interested in doing yoga & always pulling out my unused yoga mat & asking me if we can do it. So yoga mat for her & a yoga dvd. Even if i start just doing yoga with her the 3 nights I have her, that is a start...and maybe do the free weights on the non-G days...one nice thing about kids, they make perfect nags. I know if I get her that yoga mat she is gonna pester me even more to do yoga with her & hopefully that will help motivate me to keep with it. Plus it has the added benefit of creating something we can do together. I have really been a neglectful mother & she is dying for more attention from me, but up until now I just haven't been able to handle being "mom" (since the split with her dad). Its not fair to her, and she has been a real trooper about it, but I do not want to cause her permanent damage & have her grow up to be anxious & co-dependent like I am. I want to break that cycle. I need to make more of an effort.
But 1st things 1st...I have to tackle the daunting task of cleaning, purging & packing. I hate moving. I love the prospect of a new place, a fresh start, etc. etc. but I HATE, no LOATHE the moving process. Every time I say that I will not just throw shit in boxes & move it to the next place...and every time I start off great, organizing, sorting, purging...and halfway thru I lose the motivation & end up throwing stuff in trash bags & moving it into the new place. The only nice thing i can say is that I was in such a rush to move out when I left my husband that I only took what I felt was essential, so a lot of my "stuff" is still at his place, so I have less to pack up & move here...but still...ugh. I HATE this. I wish I had some 420. I can really focus & get a lot done when I'm stoned...I love washing dishes stoned cuz I do a nice job & I actually enjoy it...and I usually finish the job cuz I am focused.
George Carlin used to tell a joke about getting stoned in an airplane bathroom & noticing a sign that said "please clean up for the next guy" and joked about how wiping the sink off a tad soon turns into wiping down the walls, the mirror, the toilet, etc. Altho i will say, trying to find something when you're stoned is like trying to nail jello to the wall. Sure you will look for the item for hours, but after about 30 min you've forgotten what you are looking for or get distracted by something you found while searching for the item...
And never go grocery shopping hungry & stoned...recipe for disaster - on the wallet & stomach - altho Lil Debbie wins.
So yeah. Focusing on the good, trying to weed out the bad. And also in that similar vein...the love life thing.
Yes I am still sorta "with" the on/off again...but we are kinda trying something different this time around. Kinda trying to "start over". We rushed into this whole thing in the beginning...and to use an analogy that I really like at the mo, we had a strong foundation, but instead of building a nice sturdy house we threw up a shack & moved in. So of course it all fell apart after a storm.
So we I guess are...starting over...taking it slow...neither of us is sure we can entirely trust the other, but we both want to be able to...so yeah. So far I am actually rather enjoying this new program. It feels healthier & less drama so far. (and no sex until we both feel we are at a point where that is appropriate again). We kinda had a "date" Monday & it was really nice. I had a great time & left feeling really good. Not sad or depressed or abandoned. I am still trying to be cautious & protect myself, but I really think this was the best "idea" we've had thus far & things are progressing/improving noticeably.
And I realized that as much as I want to be done with the whole nude modeling thing, I just cannot until I reach my goal (putting forth a set that is done by an SG staff photog & (in my opinion) front page worthy, regardless of whether or not it gets bought...i mean that would be awesome, but the real goal is to put out something that is good enough that it could be bought). So I'm gonna wait until I can get a booking with Alissa...not only does she seem to be the only SG staff photog in Ohio, but she is also (in my opinion) the BEST SG staff photog...so i know it could be months & months before I can get booked with her... but she told me to keep trying & keep emailing her so...I hope she realizes that I might just take her words literally & email her daily LOL. I do have to say meeting her in Columbus was incredible. I was so in awe of her work, but she is totally down to earth & sweet & unassuming. She is one of those people that is just good down to the core & it radiates out of her. She glows with it & the energy around her is infectious. I am more excited than ever of the possibility of shooting with her. I think i want the shoot with her more than I care about going pink...I just want the experience, cuz I just know it will be amazing. I feel honored that she took the time to talk to me when she had so much going on around her at the time, I am confident that she did the same with all the hopefuls that came up to her that evening, and it just shows how unpretentious she is. People who are super talented often have a big ego & don't give a shit about the lil guy, so its really refreshing to meet someone super talented who still acts like an average human & not a superstar/diva. I've met my fair share of both in my past dealings with the music industry & rock "stars". (FYI - the guys in Cracker are total egomaniacs...Lenny Kravitz might be cool but his security people were dickwads [i had a friggin backstage pass, which means i shoulda been allowed backstage mofos], David Gahan thinks he is the 2nd coming of Christ which is interesting as Martin Gore was the exact opposite and in my opinion, the real talent...i could go on & on...)
OMG this blog is unreal long...shit sorry.
I talk (type) too much LOL.
So...waiting for Alissa, getting healthy & lean in the meantime, & I really should get my crappy tat fixed before another shoot...and I would like to get the other leg started, but I think perhaps the crappy tat needs to be top tat priority. Debating whether I should get someone locally to fix it, or just wait til my buddy SeanHill comes to visit...decisions decisions...BUT i have to get lean & mean 1st...top priority...no wait clean/purge/pack is top priority, then lean & mean...oh lord I need to STFU now.
I hope they don't notice that I put about 300 mi on the Loaner car going to Columbus & back LOL.
Stupid me tho...I forgot that it was almost due for an oil change until the maintenance light came on today...so FML I have to take it back & get an oil change now when I coulda just had them do it while it was there being worked on. Dumbass.
The cigarette battle rages on...but i know i will come out victorious...if u want something enough...
I am also determined to TRY to make use of the exercise room when i move into the new place...when i lost all that weight during my anorexia bout I lost muscle weight, so while I went down to almost my pre-marriage weight (i should note my anorexia was NOT anorexia nervosa, i was not intentionally starving myself), bottoming out at 131#, I looked kinda weird. Loose flabby skin & bones...cuz I lost muscle, not fat. Well now that I am recovering I have gained the muscle back, but the fat is still there cuz I was so desperate to eat, i ate whatever i Could (on the advice of my doctors cuz i was losing weight so rapidly they wanted me to eat ANYTHING, as long as I ate), which was usually whatever I could get down my gullet before my appetite disappeared & the nausea returned...which meant I was eating crap food. So now I have my muscle back but I'm now 150# with chubb. Sooooo....I need to learn to exercise & stick with it (never been able to last a week before) cuz I wanna be healthy & lean & stuff. I don't wanna be thin necessarily, I just want to be back to my bottom-out weight, but muscle - not fat & bones. I don't feel comfortable in my own body at this weight & I know it is not good to have this much belly fat. And I swear if I get cankles again I might just blow my head off so I am trying to prevent the cankles from returning...plus it would be helpful I think to replace some bad habits (smoking, eating shit, not exercising,etc.) with healthier habits (exercising, eating healthy, etc. etc.). I am gonna buy G a yoga mat for her bday cuz she is interested in doing yoga & always pulling out my unused yoga mat & asking me if we can do it. So yoga mat for her & a yoga dvd. Even if i start just doing yoga with her the 3 nights I have her, that is a start...and maybe do the free weights on the non-G days...one nice thing about kids, they make perfect nags. I know if I get her that yoga mat she is gonna pester me even more to do yoga with her & hopefully that will help motivate me to keep with it. Plus it has the added benefit of creating something we can do together. I have really been a neglectful mother & she is dying for more attention from me, but up until now I just haven't been able to handle being "mom" (since the split with her dad). Its not fair to her, and she has been a real trooper about it, but I do not want to cause her permanent damage & have her grow up to be anxious & co-dependent like I am. I want to break that cycle. I need to make more of an effort.
But 1st things 1st...I have to tackle the daunting task of cleaning, purging & packing. I hate moving. I love the prospect of a new place, a fresh start, etc. etc. but I HATE, no LOATHE the moving process. Every time I say that I will not just throw shit in boxes & move it to the next place...and every time I start off great, organizing, sorting, purging...and halfway thru I lose the motivation & end up throwing stuff in trash bags & moving it into the new place. The only nice thing i can say is that I was in such a rush to move out when I left my husband that I only took what I felt was essential, so a lot of my "stuff" is still at his place, so I have less to pack up & move here...but still...ugh. I HATE this. I wish I had some 420. I can really focus & get a lot done when I'm stoned...I love washing dishes stoned cuz I do a nice job & I actually enjoy it...and I usually finish the job cuz I am focused.
George Carlin used to tell a joke about getting stoned in an airplane bathroom & noticing a sign that said "please clean up for the next guy" and joked about how wiping the sink off a tad soon turns into wiping down the walls, the mirror, the toilet, etc. Altho i will say, trying to find something when you're stoned is like trying to nail jello to the wall. Sure you will look for the item for hours, but after about 30 min you've forgotten what you are looking for or get distracted by something you found while searching for the item...
And never go grocery shopping hungry & stoned...recipe for disaster - on the wallet & stomach - altho Lil Debbie wins.
So yeah. Focusing on the good, trying to weed out the bad. And also in that similar vein...the love life thing.
Yes I am still sorta "with" the on/off again...but we are kinda trying something different this time around. Kinda trying to "start over". We rushed into this whole thing in the beginning...and to use an analogy that I really like at the mo, we had a strong foundation, but instead of building a nice sturdy house we threw up a shack & moved in. So of course it all fell apart after a storm.
So we I guess are...starting over...taking it slow...neither of us is sure we can entirely trust the other, but we both want to be able to...so yeah. So far I am actually rather enjoying this new program. It feels healthier & less drama so far. (and no sex until we both feel we are at a point where that is appropriate again). We kinda had a "date" Monday & it was really nice. I had a great time & left feeling really good. Not sad or depressed or abandoned. I am still trying to be cautious & protect myself, but I really think this was the best "idea" we've had thus far & things are progressing/improving noticeably.
And I realized that as much as I want to be done with the whole nude modeling thing, I just cannot until I reach my goal (putting forth a set that is done by an SG staff photog & (in my opinion) front page worthy, regardless of whether or not it gets bought...i mean that would be awesome, but the real goal is to put out something that is good enough that it could be bought). So I'm gonna wait until I can get a booking with Alissa...not only does she seem to be the only SG staff photog in Ohio, but she is also (in my opinion) the BEST SG staff photog...so i know it could be months & months before I can get booked with her... but she told me to keep trying & keep emailing her so...I hope she realizes that I might just take her words literally & email her daily LOL. I do have to say meeting her in Columbus was incredible. I was so in awe of her work, but she is totally down to earth & sweet & unassuming. She is one of those people that is just good down to the core & it radiates out of her. She glows with it & the energy around her is infectious. I am more excited than ever of the possibility of shooting with her. I think i want the shoot with her more than I care about going pink...I just want the experience, cuz I just know it will be amazing. I feel honored that she took the time to talk to me when she had so much going on around her at the time, I am confident that she did the same with all the hopefuls that came up to her that evening, and it just shows how unpretentious she is. People who are super talented often have a big ego & don't give a shit about the lil guy, so its really refreshing to meet someone super talented who still acts like an average human & not a superstar/diva. I've met my fair share of both in my past dealings with the music industry & rock "stars". (FYI - the guys in Cracker are total egomaniacs...Lenny Kravitz might be cool but his security people were dickwads [i had a friggin backstage pass, which means i shoulda been allowed backstage mofos], David Gahan thinks he is the 2nd coming of Christ which is interesting as Martin Gore was the exact opposite and in my opinion, the real talent...i could go on & on...)
OMG this blog is unreal long...shit sorry.
I talk (type) too much LOL.
So...waiting for Alissa, getting healthy & lean in the meantime, & I really should get my crappy tat fixed before another shoot...and I would like to get the other leg started, but I think perhaps the crappy tat needs to be top tat priority. Debating whether I should get someone locally to fix it, or just wait til my buddy SeanHill comes to visit...decisions decisions...BUT i have to get lean & mean 1st...top priority...no wait clean/purge/pack is top priority, then lean & mean...oh lord I need to STFU now.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
chefdaddy:
Good luck moving. I always dig moving, it never goes as planned but it is always an adventure. Good luck as well with the exercise. I have found that my daughters are a great motivator for me. When I take them out walking with me they keep my pace quick and their constant flow of conversation keeps me from getting bored and taking short cuts.
hemi:
OOOOO..I hope you get to shoot with Alissa...that would be bad ass!!! 