OK.
I made a decision. I initially made it as a compromise to the on/off but as he is probably off for good...
But I still think the decision has valid merits.
I am going to do 2 more sets for SG & then quit. If i can put up 2 sets that I believe are Front Page worthy (in my own opinion) & I still don't go pink...I'm done.
I don't want to be a hopeful that shamelessly panders for votes, nor one who constantly begs people to friend her, or vote for her or leave comments for her. If you like my sets great, if not fine. I'm not gonna beg or pander, its just degrading.
I would like to remain a member, but that really boils down to how tight $ is when my renewal comes up.
I started this whole thing cuz 10 or so years ago I wanted to, but I was too chicken shit & after having people tell me it was a bad idea or I wasn't pretty enough I just gave up on it & have regretted never trying since. So when I moved out & was starting over I made a promise to myself that it was a regret I was not going to live with. I wanted to prove the nay-sayers wrong but mostly I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it & could be that brave. If i tried & failed, at least I tried. The argument has been made that I posted one set & therefore that constitutes "trying" but I disagree. While my 1st set turned out better than I imagined (mainly cuz I have such a poor self-image), I know why it didn't go pink...its a great 1st attempt, but I didn't really know what I was doing & made a lot of mistakes.
So I have 2 ideas for 2 more sets. If I shoot them both & neither goes pink I am gonna pack it in.
If one of them does go pink, i will prob pack it in anyway tho...I don't want to be a nude model. I would love to be a fetish model, but clothed. I have to admit the comments on my pics have definitely boosted my self-esteem, but I really do need to learn to like myself regardless of what others think.
As for the on/off...I think our friendship might be over so I doubt there is any hope for a reconcilliation of our "relationship" on a non-platonic level...but ever the lovesick fool that I am, I still cannot seem to let go of that hope. I'm probably delusional & stupid, but I love him. I love him despite him saying nasty cruel & hurtful things to me & putting my heart in a blender over & over again. (i love that analogy - its so perfectly graphic). Why?? Fuck I wish I knew. Someone please explain to me how I can still love him...and still want to be with him after all this, cuz I honestly do no understand it. Why is it so hard to let go, when i woulda dropped anyone else for that behavior like a hot potato.
I can't even stay mad at him for more than 5 minutes. WTF? WHY? WHY? WHY?
Why do I still feel like we are destined to be together when all the evidence says I am a fucking moron? Why can't I let him go??
I have trust issues, abandonment issues, and I make stupid decisions when I am hurt. I let my heart rule my life & the lil bitch has no fucking common sense and leads me to do foolish things.
And yet I cannot stop loving him, no matter how badly I wish I could. I once said I wished I had never met him cuz then I wouldn't have to go thru this...that's not even true. I'm such a lovesick idiot that I would do almost anything to have him for my own...
A mature, confident sensible woman woulda walked away from this months ago...hell prob wouldn't have gotten into this hot mess to begin with...but I am not those things.
A scornful bitter woman would contact his wife & tell her the truth...but I am not those things.
I am an immature, foolish, self-hating lovesick fool...
ANYHOO...my cigarette count today is not good...but I am sober. Even tho my stomach is killing me from not eating today (one of the reasons I use 420)...even tho i could easily drive to my ex's & leave with a bud in 15 min...
I also made an appt with my therapist finally. And the shrink so I can get back on my meds...honestly with all the stress & heartbreak I'm shocked I was able to keep my hold on life without my meds or therapy...but as I am no longer going to be self-medicating, I should prob go back to the Dr approved method LOL.
I can also see the bottom of my carton of cigs which means my days as a smoker are coming to an end sooner than anticipated, but as I am moving into my new place sooner than anticipated, that's a good thing. If I can go without before the move, I am 100% confident that I will maintain that easily once I am in my new place (new place, new habits, shed the old, don't bring them with ya).
I've contemplated keeping a diary a la Bridget Jones, but then I realized I have a blog...and since I have issues with withholding & honesty...maybe I should just be honest 100% to everyone...(unless being honest would get me fired from my job).
So in that spirt of honesty & full disclosure...and bravery...
I've alluded to it before in my blogs but never said it outright...I've told a few people on here already...
I have herpes. HSV-1 which most people think of as the cold-sore kind of herpes, but apparently you can get either kind down "there". I was diagnosed in January. It sucks & makes me feel even more "unfuckable". But as I most likely got it from the guy I cheated on my husband with, i prob deserve it.
I also made the decision that the RedB fun factory is closed for business. I have no desire to date, or have sex so why bother?
I'm in a weird place where I distrust everything & everyone, including myself. I feel utterly lost & without direction. I have no clue where to go from here so if I stumble about a bit, please go easy on me LOL.
I made a decision. I initially made it as a compromise to the on/off but as he is probably off for good...
But I still think the decision has valid merits.
I am going to do 2 more sets for SG & then quit. If i can put up 2 sets that I believe are Front Page worthy (in my own opinion) & I still don't go pink...I'm done.
I don't want to be a hopeful that shamelessly panders for votes, nor one who constantly begs people to friend her, or vote for her or leave comments for her. If you like my sets great, if not fine. I'm not gonna beg or pander, its just degrading.
I would like to remain a member, but that really boils down to how tight $ is when my renewal comes up.
I started this whole thing cuz 10 or so years ago I wanted to, but I was too chicken shit & after having people tell me it was a bad idea or I wasn't pretty enough I just gave up on it & have regretted never trying since. So when I moved out & was starting over I made a promise to myself that it was a regret I was not going to live with. I wanted to prove the nay-sayers wrong but mostly I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it & could be that brave. If i tried & failed, at least I tried. The argument has been made that I posted one set & therefore that constitutes "trying" but I disagree. While my 1st set turned out better than I imagined (mainly cuz I have such a poor self-image), I know why it didn't go pink...its a great 1st attempt, but I didn't really know what I was doing & made a lot of mistakes.
So I have 2 ideas for 2 more sets. If I shoot them both & neither goes pink I am gonna pack it in.
If one of them does go pink, i will prob pack it in anyway tho...I don't want to be a nude model. I would love to be a fetish model, but clothed. I have to admit the comments on my pics have definitely boosted my self-esteem, but I really do need to learn to like myself regardless of what others think.
As for the on/off...I think our friendship might be over so I doubt there is any hope for a reconcilliation of our "relationship" on a non-platonic level...but ever the lovesick fool that I am, I still cannot seem to let go of that hope. I'm probably delusional & stupid, but I love him. I love him despite him saying nasty cruel & hurtful things to me & putting my heart in a blender over & over again. (i love that analogy - its so perfectly graphic). Why?? Fuck I wish I knew. Someone please explain to me how I can still love him...and still want to be with him after all this, cuz I honestly do no understand it. Why is it so hard to let go, when i woulda dropped anyone else for that behavior like a hot potato.
I can't even stay mad at him for more than 5 minutes. WTF? WHY? WHY? WHY?
Why do I still feel like we are destined to be together when all the evidence says I am a fucking moron? Why can't I let him go??
I have trust issues, abandonment issues, and I make stupid decisions when I am hurt. I let my heart rule my life & the lil bitch has no fucking common sense and leads me to do foolish things.
And yet I cannot stop loving him, no matter how badly I wish I could. I once said I wished I had never met him cuz then I wouldn't have to go thru this...that's not even true. I'm such a lovesick idiot that I would do almost anything to have him for my own...
A mature, confident sensible woman woulda walked away from this months ago...hell prob wouldn't have gotten into this hot mess to begin with...but I am not those things.
A scornful bitter woman would contact his wife & tell her the truth...but I am not those things.
I am an immature, foolish, self-hating lovesick fool...
ANYHOO...my cigarette count today is not good...but I am sober. Even tho my stomach is killing me from not eating today (one of the reasons I use 420)...even tho i could easily drive to my ex's & leave with a bud in 15 min...
I also made an appt with my therapist finally. And the shrink so I can get back on my meds...honestly with all the stress & heartbreak I'm shocked I was able to keep my hold on life without my meds or therapy...but as I am no longer going to be self-medicating, I should prob go back to the Dr approved method LOL.
I can also see the bottom of my carton of cigs which means my days as a smoker are coming to an end sooner than anticipated, but as I am moving into my new place sooner than anticipated, that's a good thing. If I can go without before the move, I am 100% confident that I will maintain that easily once I am in my new place (new place, new habits, shed the old, don't bring them with ya).
I've contemplated keeping a diary a la Bridget Jones, but then I realized I have a blog...and since I have issues with withholding & honesty...maybe I should just be honest 100% to everyone...(unless being honest would get me fired from my job).
So in that spirt of honesty & full disclosure...and bravery...
I've alluded to it before in my blogs but never said it outright...I've told a few people on here already...
I have herpes. HSV-1 which most people think of as the cold-sore kind of herpes, but apparently you can get either kind down "there". I was diagnosed in January. It sucks & makes me feel even more "unfuckable". But as I most likely got it from the guy I cheated on my husband with, i prob deserve it.
I also made the decision that the RedB fun factory is closed for business. I have no desire to date, or have sex so why bother?
I'm in a weird place where I distrust everything & everyone, including myself. I feel utterly lost & without direction. I have no clue where to go from here so if I stumble about a bit, please go easy on me LOL.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
John Elway was one of the best quarterbacks in the history of football, but he never won a Super Bowl until the final two years of his career. There are a limitless number of things completely beyond his control that could have gone just slightly differently and prevented him from ever winning a championship. The critical point to keep in mind is even if things had turned out differently and the championships never happened, he would have been the same person and the same player. Striving hard for success is great, but it's very unwise to look at results as the primary indicator of quality. We all lose far more often than we win.
Such a large percentage of the population has herpes, I can't imagine it being a significant issue in your social life going forward. Disclosure before sex is of course the right thing to do, but I think the chances that a potential partner will spurn you over that issue are extremely small.
On the love issue, you have to find a way to detach your emotions from your behavior. When you stop smoking, you're still going to crave cigarettes and quitting will not be easy. However, you will choose not to smoke anymore because as a rational person, you know that while smoking may feel good, cigarettes are very bad for you. People and relationships are not really much different. Some are toxic and have to be avoided at all costs, no matter how strong their appeal may be.