bedheadchicken

My car broke down this morning. I tried driving to work and it was shaking uncontrollably. It was obviously undrivable. Yay.

So in my town there are two mechanics-one is a honest, competent guy. The other is a shady, lazy dick. Naturally i first go to the garage of the honest, competent guy. There's a sign on his door reading that he's on vacation. Great. So I drive over to the garage belonging to the shady, lazy dick.

I pull up and there's a fat guy sitting in a van reading a newspaper in front of one of the two garages. An older Pakistani guy is in the little booth by the gas pumps.

I park my to the side and say to the guy in the van "Do you work here?"

The guy doesn't look up from his newspaper. All he says is "Fuck you". I kid you not.

ok then.

So I go over to the Pakistani. I say "Hi. Is Mark in yet?"

Mark is the shady, lazy dick who owns the station. I have a long history with Mark. Mark looks like Danny DeVito's less attractive brother. He's 4 feet tall and 4 feet wide. He somehow breathes through the sweat in his neck, I think. He used to sell pot to a bored housewife who lived below me in a two family house I once lived in. And more than once I've overheard him ask if he can have sex in return for said pot. I lived in that two family house while I was working on Sopranos and Mark asked me if I could get his cousin an audition on Sopranos. His cousin had no acting experience at all, lived in Florida and billed herself as a psychic and looked like Tammy Faye Baker. Remarkably I got her an audition and she so terrified the casting directors that they called me to tell me that I wasn't allowed to bring anyone in again ever. She then called me every day after that for 6 months asking for another chance.

Anyway.....

"No" says the Pakistani. Mark was not in.

"I'm having some trouble with my car. Mark knows me. Can I leave my number and the key and I'll call him later to explain the trouble?"

No response.

"ummm....so I'll leave the keys then?"

I put out my hand with the keys. He stared at my hand. So I just put them on the desk next to him. I thanked him. He stared at me. I start walking towards the bus stop. Then I hear..

"Hey! Where ya going?"

It's the "fuck you" guy.

"You left your car parked right by my fucking truck. I have to move it!"

"I JUST asked you if you worked here and you said 'fuck you'." I smartly replied. "Then you saw me get out of my car, hand the keys to someone who works here (sorta) and walk away! Are you kidding?"

"I'm not mad at you" the 'fuck you' guy says. "I'm mad at THIS fucking moron!" He points to the Pakistani guy, who to this point has said nothing. "THIS guy is a fucking moron"

The Pakistani then jumps out of his booth and yells "Fuck your mother!" at the "fuck you" guy.

(by the way, it's 6:30 AM)

"You're a fucking MORON!" the "fuck you" guy tells the Pakistani again.

"Suck me here!" says the Pakistani, holding his crotch.

Clearly these two know each other.

I take my keys, move my car away from the truck, but them back in the envelope I brought, put it back on the booth next to the Pakistani and walk away with them still screaming at each other, content that my car is in good hands.

That was my morning.