I feel like this entry could be me spilling my guts about a lot of random things...so bear with me? Also, this is the first real entry that I've posted since I've been back on the site...it's still kinda weird to me that I've reconnected to this site, which used to be a big part of my day-to-day life 4-5 years ago. Strange.
I stayed up way too late last night, doing pretty much nothing. It was strangely peaceful. I have felt oddly comfortable with the "me time" that I've had this weekend. This is the first time in awhile that I've been able to enjoy being alone without feeling lonely. I have been feeling hungry all of the time...and not hungry in the way that you feel when you need nourishment...hungry in the way that I need stimulation...good conversation, physical contact, listening to music that moves me, satisfies me, intimacy and work that challenges me. I've reached a complete plateau with my job, and feel as if I'm only going thru the motions. I think I've felt this way for the past six months or so...I generally like my job, but don't feel as if it is as satisfying as my last job was, although it's not as physically and mentally demanding. Can't I find a fucking balance??
It's so frustrating to me to know exactly what I want to do with my life, but to have all of that feel so out of reach. I guess that I'm just impatient...and my patience is being tested on a daily basis lately, which I guess is a good thing. I need to learn how to be more patient, so keep testing me. I want to feel like I'm making a difference. I want to feel like my presence is being appreciated. I want to feel accomplished. Lately, I feel like I'm just lost in my own mind most of the time. It's not such a dark place as it has been in the past..for the first time in a long time I can realize that, and fucking love it. The ups, the downs, the frustrations, it's life baby. I can look in the mirror, look at myself in the eye, and not immediately want to look away. Small accomplishments I guess.
I am excited that my first year of nursing school is done with, but uncertain because I still think I have a long way to go, and next year will just be filled with starting over again.. I'm tired of starting over. I just want some consistency. But I find that I get frustrated easily and just want to find the easy way out. I need to stop trying to run away from everything and fucking deal with it.
I love when people introduce me to new music. I have been in a musical rut lately, listening to the same songs over and over..I get musically obsessed sometimes. I hold on to the songs that "speak" to me I guess. It's nice to have my eyes open again.
Since I've been alone a lot in the residence where I work when the clients are gone, I have been taking that time to hop on the piano there and play. It's way out of tune, and I don't really remember how to read music much anymore...but it feels so good to sit down and do that. My hands were shaking the first time I started to play. I kept fumbling to remember the scales and chords. I wish I had a piano here.
I've spent the past few hours doing something that I probably shouldn't have done...divulging into the past...questioning myself, and who I used to be. It's very interesting to make the comparisons. It's sad also to think of everything that I've left behind. Sometimes I feel like I am so far behind everyone else my age. I feel like my life's course is completely different than anyone else's...I know I march to the beat of my own drum...and that's something I'm slowly becoming comfortable with. Driving to work today, I started thinking about how I wanted to move. Last year, I wanted to leave this city...now I'm wondering why I ever felt that way at all. I guess I've always just thought that running away would be the answer to my problems. I did run away though, and it has been the best decision that I've ever made. I still can't help but feel stuck sometimes though. I guess it's only natural.
There is someone pretty wonderful that has implanted himself into my life as of late. It's hard to really say much about that without getting all tangled up in myself...but all I know is that when I think of him, I get this weird feeling in my stomach. Butterflies, that sometimes make me want to vomit. But in a good way?
It is something I haven't felt in the longest time, and it scares the fucking shit out of me. I'm not sure who is more vulnerable at this point, me or him. I think we both have our moments. This is another situation where patience comes into play. I want to give away so much, but have learned with past experiences that that is not always the way to go... I trust that everything that is meant to be will be in the end...but at this point I am just very satisfied with the time that I spend with him, and love the way he makes me laugh...love the way he looks at me so intently, and intensely..and often find myself thinking about what is going on behind those ridiculously beautiful clear aquamarine eyes. This is one of those things that I NEVER expected to play out like this, but it's been amazing getting to know him, and generally just having him in my life. (oh, and the physical stuff is pretty fucking awesome too.) 
Anyway, enough with the mushy shit. I slept late today again, and I should do some yoga before work.
Has anyone ever done one of those 5K (or whatever) walks for charity? Like the AIDS walk, or Walk for Hunger, etc.? I really have wanted to do that for a LONG time, but don't really know how much time I should give myself to prepare for it, and how much I really DO need to prepare for it. I figured it would be a great way to get back in shape, and to help with the smoking cessation.
Oh! The sun came out yesterday. It was actually a very lovely day.
