barbelith

So for the record.. I am not against love or down on love. I am simply torn by it. I am of two minds. Certainly something like love exists and it certainly seems worth striving for. I think the problem is that I still have,or had, a dream of love that never exists and will never happen. This dream was planted and nourished by our society in each of us to one extent or another. The thing I am bitter about is this dream I was sold and the fact that it doesn't exist. There are not happily ever afters and there is no one out there that I will meet and some special magic will happen and it will just be perfect. This "perfect" is a trick of hormones and other body chemicals flooding the brain and system. Something that fades after time and is no true replacement for love. I still think there is the capacity for love, affection and tenderness but it can not occur when we are focused on this dream. So I am tossing the dream aside and looking more clearly at the world as it is. During my ethics class we discussed pornography and if it was cheating or not. During this conversation it was brought up that while yes men look pornography and such while in relationships but also that while men look at porn a women is less apt to look at porn and much more apt to go find some actual person and have sex with them. Now as a man who has been cheated on by every women he has really dated. ( Yes there are women I failed to date and really should have, these are my fault). So now I am back to the beginning and my ambivalence on love. I am a doomed romantic. Or at least I was. I believed so fully in that dream we are sold that I over looked women that would have treated me better and stumbled blindly into situations that caused hurt and pain to both parties. Love is out there but it is nothing like we are told. It is gritty, dirty, hurtful, and brutal. It can also be tender, loving , kind and sweet but those first descriptions should not be over looked. And yes in the past I have been more verbal about my negative thoughts on love. I apologize for this. Love is not to blame it is humans and individuals that have hurt me in the past. These are all things that must be dealt with before I can learn to trust and love again. Something I am working on. So to those concerned thank you for your concern I know it is a sign you care. So while I have been negative about love and women I still want and desire them I am just trying to be more honest with the realities of such situations. And usually the reality is brutal and harsh in comparison to a dream. Buddy cop movies are nothing like what it is to really be a cop and romance movies are nothing like real love.