Some people refer to this as a joyous season while others like to think of it as one of the most depressing. I can see the world from both points of view as everything seems cleaner with the blanket of snow to lay a fresh layer of cover-up to the dirt underneath. Meanwhile, this blanket of snow also provides a cold, harsh chill that is only made colder when you have no one to help warm up the world with you.
While I see both points of view, I definitely feel like I'm more often found in the latter of the two. This season has been nothing but a depressing time of year every time it comes around for almost as long as I can remember. There once was a time that it was happy and things were wonderful and full of the childhood sheen where the world is nothing but possibility. This faded photograph of a memory is still there, and I like to try to look back and think upon the time before my parents hated eachother and my father was all but nothing in my jaded eyes. I like to remember decorating the house (not just the tree) together over thanksgiving break and my eyes glowing with childhood wonder as presents slowly filled below the tree. I won't pretend that everything was great. Yes, the garland along the banister was an impedance to my hand as I went down the stairs, and my sister and I still bickered as we always have... But it was and will always be a great memory when things were just a little bit better all dressed up in their green and multi-colored lit glory.
Its memories like this one that I try to grasp and hold on to as I lay alone in this season. Faded though they may be, I find them to be the light to lead me through the darker times when all I can think about is that unknown something missing from my life.
Right now all I can think about is how it seems that all my life I've been told by peers and superiors that I wasn't management material. I'm not made for a leader role in life, so they would say. Its funny how I've always tried to be otherwise. I've always strived for the role of 'leader;' someone to help others out toward a common goal. I've strived, and failed in many cases. Now in this particular winter season, I find myself feeling ostricised by my peers in what is supposed to help me find my way into my niche in life. I could really use a mentor of sorts right now, as I'm at a loss at what to do other than to retreat for these next couple weeks, lick and bandage my wounds and set up for the next onslaught of life.
Maybe I'll never be that leader that I've constantly tried for and been denied, but I will never settle to live life as nothing more than a simple workhorse. As to where I'll be for now, you shall soon find me in the old, comfortable places, probably twittering away on the computer in the darkest corner. There I'll be, headphones on, blocking out the distractions and preparing for the next move. No matter how far away from my original home I may travel, I'm sure that I will always need a little quiet time in my comfortable womb of a coffee house.
While I see both points of view, I definitely feel like I'm more often found in the latter of the two. This season has been nothing but a depressing time of year every time it comes around for almost as long as I can remember. There once was a time that it was happy and things were wonderful and full of the childhood sheen where the world is nothing but possibility. This faded photograph of a memory is still there, and I like to try to look back and think upon the time before my parents hated eachother and my father was all but nothing in my jaded eyes. I like to remember decorating the house (not just the tree) together over thanksgiving break and my eyes glowing with childhood wonder as presents slowly filled below the tree. I won't pretend that everything was great. Yes, the garland along the banister was an impedance to my hand as I went down the stairs, and my sister and I still bickered as we always have... But it was and will always be a great memory when things were just a little bit better all dressed up in their green and multi-colored lit glory.
Its memories like this one that I try to grasp and hold on to as I lay alone in this season. Faded though they may be, I find them to be the light to lead me through the darker times when all I can think about is that unknown something missing from my life.
Right now all I can think about is how it seems that all my life I've been told by peers and superiors that I wasn't management material. I'm not made for a leader role in life, so they would say. Its funny how I've always tried to be otherwise. I've always strived for the role of 'leader;' someone to help others out toward a common goal. I've strived, and failed in many cases. Now in this particular winter season, I find myself feeling ostricised by my peers in what is supposed to help me find my way into my niche in life. I could really use a mentor of sorts right now, as I'm at a loss at what to do other than to retreat for these next couple weeks, lick and bandage my wounds and set up for the next onslaught of life.
Maybe I'll never be that leader that I've constantly tried for and been denied, but I will never settle to live life as nothing more than a simple workhorse. As to where I'll be for now, you shall soon find me in the old, comfortable places, probably twittering away on the computer in the darkest corner. There I'll be, headphones on, blocking out the distractions and preparing for the next move. No matter how far away from my original home I may travel, I'm sure that I will always need a little quiet time in my comfortable womb of a coffee house.
rabidbuttons:
hug