bad_a_dave

Well I haven't updated my blog in a while... So here is whats up...

I went to the ER last week and they took xrays and didn't get my pain under control and sent me home, complete waste of time.

I went to Colorado Springs to visit Crystal this past weekend and it was confusing but great... I finally thought maybe things could be the way they were before.. but a few things bugged me still so I wrote a message to her last night after being tired, emotionally exhausted and driving 6 hours back home and said somethings I didn't mean most of it but because of that stupid message I think it changed everything... Seeing how upset she was today kills me! My heart is breaking... tears keep coming... hurting the one person in this world(my boys excluded) that i would never want to hurt or make cry and I did... on top of that I can see in eyes doubt that she never had before... This day has been just a fucking mess and its all my fault...

I try and try to be the optimistic one, the one that makes everyone else feel better... Yet here I am, broken hearted, because I hurt someone I love and I am alone... I am always alone these days.. I shut myself away in my room. Alone to the world. Today has been 2 weeks ago all over again.. I am so tired... So tired of the hurt, the pain, life in general always throwing me down again and again. This pain stops me from living my life... I can't do anything these days without hurting... This depression won't lift... Except when I'm with her and I have a feel because of that message I ruined that as well. Now I am just rambling and if by some miracle anyone even read this far I apologize for the bitching session... C'est la vie right?!