azhben

He is staying at his parents thru the weekend, although we are supposed to have 'serious discussions' this weekend. I don't know what to do. There's some stuff I feel like I shouldn't have to apologize for, and other stuff I know I should.

I can't help that my mother is a manipulative SOB and that I was raised by her, and in such was raised to act certain ways (intentional or no) to certain situations. I can't help that I've had terrible luck in love, with every man leaving me to find someone else. Or finding someone else while with me.

I can't bow down to everything somebody does and call it gold.

I find it v. hard to be affectionate if I do not feel like I am being treated with affection. It is a mountain that I have tried to climb but it is really high. I am conquering my paranoia and learning to let go, if someone is going to break my heart, I'm just gonna have to let them. The self-defense methods I have for this ARE unhealthy, but I can't just drop it like that.

Maybe if he decides to leave it is for the better, for both of us. It is just very hard to imagine my life without him. He has been my best friend for several years, always there to push me or try to help me feel better. I have tried to do the same for him.

There are mistakes I have made and I have admitted them and accepted them but he throws them in my face constantly. He is most times unable to forgive.

I just feel like I have had a lot invested, and now it's just seeping away. I've been carrying myself around, out of bed, to work, home again. Function, function function. Do not feel, do not explode. Do not let the deep empty hurt eat at the brain. Do not let it rot the heart. Keep going, keep hoping, keep doing something.

He says the only reason he sees for him staying (from my POV - he thinks) is the car payment he makes in lieu of rent (or helping with bills). But when I tell him not to worry, I will change things to do it myself, he says that only makes him a deadbeat. Nothing I say will be right while he is thinking like this.

I don't know if he even misses me. No more I love yous. No more kisses goodbye. Sleeping in the same bed without sleeping together. No more glances or smiles. Living like zombies is killing me. I suppose that will end soon, one way or another.

Thanks to Rosaleigh, without you I would be in terrible shape. You have dealt with my emotional texts and shitty attitude, and I'm sorry and it won't last forever, I promise.