6 years ago I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. As a high-functioning BPD I barely had any suicidal attempts or other more brutal manifestations but I could never understand who really I am and what I want, never had any stable long relationships, constantly changed personality and hobbies, and destructive behavior. This brought me to a psychotherapy which I had been doing still.
During these years I had a medication course (I was lucky enough to find a good meds which helped me a lot), there were ups and downs, sometimes very big downs so I am not feeling good talking about that still. When covid hits the world I was in remission, no longer having troubles with constantly changing moods. Because of therapy I also understood myself better and my diagnoses helped me to accept who I am but also realize I am more than my disorder.
I accepted that fact that BPD is a part of my life, it is how my mind works and that probably I will need a support therapy during most of my life. I am not watching on my life thru prism of diagnoses but it helps me to understand why I want to do certain things, why I think certain ways etc.
These days I have the work I love, the hobbies which makes me love this life, a good family, I was able to make more or less comfortable existing for someone with my disorder but somehow I still had a feeling I am missing something.
I always had been socially awkward and very inattentive, disorganized at many of my life aspects. You may know I am a private pilot, I also drive a motorbike, I do shooting sport and I was able to reach a good results at doing all above especially because I always knew how inattentive usually I am, so I always put a hyper-focus on these things. Sadly, the more I live, the more I realized a lack of focus on some other, daily things, like missing an appointment, forgetting to deliver custom video at time, breaking payment deadline. It s always been a part of me.
I never was considered as ADHD, frankly, I never knew much about it before I met a few people with the same diagnosis. It was interesting to find some similar patterns in our behavior, the manner of talking etc. When I told that to my current psychologist she suggested me to get tested for ADHD and honestly I would never do it if she would not insist, like, if there is not enough having one diagnosis already?
However, I did, I even visited two different psychiatrists and both of the confirmed me as an ADHD person. And like years ago with BPD, this information became a blessing for me because I understood that I am not lazy or stupid (in fact I am opposite but I have always been blaming myself for fuckups and complete disorganization)
So now I am in the process of getting knowing how I can live with this, how I can improve the quality of my life (and maybe finally how I can start to love schedules and not fuck up deadlines)
PS: I was able to re-read the whole text twice and fixed all typos in text I could find which I usually never can force myself doing, eek!
