ash67

So another year has passed. It was a total fucking shit one. I closed it out how I opened it. In the emergency room. Only this time, I was there for moral support and the situaiton was by far worse. I landed myself in the e.r on NYE last year due to migranes. My best friend Michelle, she lost her baby this year. My heart is so broken that I can't even cry.

So that's the note that 2008 ended on. In some aspects, I guess it was good because I was surrounded by my self made family. But I would have given anything to have it be under better cercumstances. They tried so hard for this baby, only to have him and any hope probably of having a child together torn away. She has a prolaped uterus that probably caused the misscarriage and means probably zero chance of being able to take another child to term.

There's been so much loss. I lost my job over those fucking migranes and insomnia that nearly drove me to break down. I've spent most of the year trying to figure out who the hell I am and what purpose I have to serve.

I've been trying to rediscover my art. My music. My writting. Its not been easy at all. But I will keep pushing. Its the only thing that I have that has kept me sane all my life. Which is why this block has left me a total fucking emotional mess.

I ended a nearly 5 year long relationship just days after my sister's wedding. It was the final nail in the coffin of something that has been dying for a long time. People looking at us and pushing us to be "next" and to have kids and whatever. It made us re-examine everything.

It was and is still very hard. But I think us splitting ways has saved our friendship and whatever type of relationship that we really do have. The last few weeks have been trying though. And its for one very large reason.

In October, after another sleepless night searching on netland, I found an old friend of mine. Its been four years since I've seen or spoken to him. It was a very pivital thing because, well, he was my first love. That one that got away that was constantly a tickle on the back of my mind. No closure, no answers, nothing.

He's a semi-rock star now. Its blows my mind and is surreal to me because he will always be that boy in a SpeedRacer shirt with a sweet smile to me. He still is that boy deep down. I see it in his eyes and that makes me happy.

I was so scared to go and see him. But I had to do it. And to have him smile at me and hug me like it did, it melted away whatever troubles that I had for those few moments. Then things got complicated. Four years of nothing, and then a few hours later, I nearly am having sex with him. It sent me reeling because I do not get that intense with any one that fast.

I am now slapped with that sad relization that I still am in love with him. Only there's a very big obsticle in the form of another girl that stands in my way. Now you shouldn't hold that against him. They're not an actual couple. Just kinda talking and dating or whatever. I just suddenly pop up on him at a show after four years.

But it does do me good to know that there is something there still. That spark waiting to start that fire. So, who knows how that will play out. I don't really care. Just so long as he's in my life in some shape or form, I will be content.

So where is this year going? For the first time, I guess ever, the new year has such a hidden meaning. I don't know what lies ahead and I desperatly wish I did. I know it can only go up from here. After the hellasious beating the last year gave me, the bottom has been found and its only up. Or so I hope.

So, here's to you 2009. May your mysteries unfold in a kind and gentle way. I can only hope the same for the rest of my friends out there.