arroezze

I’m typically a very confident and comfortable individual. I know who I am, I like who I am, and I’ve done a lot of work to get there. I can typically shrug off any comment made to me within a day, even some of those nasty spiteful ones you hear about from other people. I’m very secure with who I am.

However! Hearing praise and compliments and adoration from others makes me feel, ick. I am not a person looking for prestige. I’m not trying to be impressive or the leader of the pack. No thanks, been there done that. Status is short-term, it’s highly stressful and honestly very few people outside your immediate circle give a rat’s ass about your accomplishments. So, I don’t strive for that. Not worth it, to me at least. So, in hearing the infamous words “good job” or the daddy issue trauma crap “I’m proud of you”. I feel gross. I try to be humble for the most part. Well, I consider myself a humble egoist. Some things I’m hot shit at, like many people we all have our strengths. So when it comes time to flex that oh powerful strengths, I take my shot. But I try to be a good sport about it. That’s how I rationalize it. Call what it is.

I strive to help others. I break others down and build them up. Like a very complicated science project that can and will fail from time to time. We just do better. That’s all we can do. I sometimes forget that we need to accept help or stand back and let others appreciate the work we have done and that comes as gratitude from them, and compliments to us. I’m not very good at that part and I’m working on it. I’ll get there.

Moving onnnnnnn. Criticism. Mmmmm, my favorite. I will hands down beat myself up far more than anyone else ever could. I’m really good at that. Which is odd when criticism comes my way. I've already, most of the time, already put myself through the wringer and created a plan to do better the next time. So, when someone comes at me with criticism, I get angry because I’ve already had that talk with myself. I dislike outside input. I find it too subjective. Trust me, I know my faults very well. It’s a lot like that lesson you’re supposed to learn in kindergarten, “play well with others”. Yeah, I never learned that. I like to do my own thing, be my own person and learn by trial and error of my own mistakes and accomplishments. That doesn’t mean I don’t look at the problem and try to find better ways to make it better. I’m a thinker. I think all the time. People have even told me I look deep in thought often. I am, I have a million ideas and I have a million backup plans for those ideas. So, when I’m being criticized, trust me, I’ve already been thinking of that specific event well before you came up to me with your own input.

This isn’t really a blog to call anyone out, it isn’t targeted towards any specific person or group or thing. It’s just me simply processing my thoughts and feelings and sharing it here in case anyone else may feel the same way. We’re all in this boat together, probably a good idea to listen to someone else, myself included.