arinnikole

I've come to the conclusion that I REALLY, REALLY fucking hate relationships! All I do is get fucked over in them with every single guy I have EVER dated. I've never had a healthy relationship where I haven't been cheated on, lied to, been mentally abused, physically abused and in some of them I had all of the above happen. Sometimes I start to wonder if it's me.. if my anxiety and depression is that hard to deal with that I drive them crazy? I don't know. I admitt I have issues and I'm not the "perfect" girlfriend. We all have our flaws and I do get upset easily and jump to conclusions sometimes, but only when there's signs that point to certain things. But at least "I" admitt my mistakes and try to work on them. I bust my ass trying over and over again trying to make it work when I really love that person. But sometimes I sit back and think if it's this much work, why be in one? I don't expect it to be cake and ice cream, but damn.. it shouldn't be this miserable. I've only had one relationship that I was completely happy in and they didn't treat me like shit, BUT he got addicted to coke throughout the years and I hated it. It changed who he was and it controlled his life. I didn't want that around my child and it caused too many problems so I HAD to let go. He was my soul mate, the one I was supposed to marry this past summer... and I had to let go. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, but I couldn't be with someone that wouldn't give up the drugs, basically choosing them over my happiness. I know everyone says you'll find the right person when you're not looking, but I am never looking. When I first become single I'm so hurt and need time to heal, that's the last I plan on doing is jumping back into another relationship, but somehow I meet some guy and he says all the right things and I think maybe this is him, the right guy. And it's soo perfect for the first so many months until we get close and then they either push me away or their true colors come out. FUCK!