Whee, see how far it goes.
I havent gone up, down and out yet. Just up and out.
I speak in metaphor due to you and my disapproval.
I am just tired of the constant decent, the lack of any real success, the lack of external reinforcement of my efforts.
I need to find someone I can trust.
I really appreciate you all!
A piece of the puzzle.
Im glad I started early. There is only so long I can go tonight, and though limits scare me somewhat, tonight I need them.
Next stop sapphire...
Plus ups and PK's.
Please dont hate me. The LAST thing I need is dissapproval of you all.
Perhaps if I make it through tonight without blowing all my cashola I will go and see my friends shrink who is supposed to be good.
To think, it all started with me needing a little motovation in powder form. Then music. more motovation. Then pictures. more motovation. Get dressed for going out psudo-dancing. More motovation.
Not much motovation left...
Bringing my sketch pad, but my camera (which I knocked over
) only has T64 slide film which will NEVER work in dark situations...
se la vie, I only have 3 shots left anyway.
Please dont hate me for regressing. I was never like this in my youth, save for drinking, shrooms and pot. And when I say that becomming too major a part of my life I cut it out. Everything was seccondary to exploring reality.
now I have no friends and no social skills save for surface ones and philosophical debate/technique-work discussion abilities. I sure know a lot of useless academic drivel though.
And sence I was 18 I realized that the external (extriumsecus, my tat) Is but context for all the consciousness-es (er... not a word) that inhabit it: consciousness is to the external either like flowers in a dirt field, or cancerous cells in an otherwize heathy body, depending on your glass being half full or half empty.
So If I spent my life learning about the external (because I though that was the only truth as all consciousness is a broken lense because of its removal from the external), but now believe that external is just context for all of us (all conscious life forms) have I looking for the trees but only seeing the forest (to re-contextualize an old coliqualism)?
I also cant spel, so please forgive me for that as well. If you were here I would put on my "submissive" colar (I actually have one, you can almost see it here) and do what ever you order me to, as pennance for my mulit-trangressions.
I am dressed really cool though!
Alright, you convinced me. I will take pics. Perhaps I can use them for art: may new process of using photos as seeds for generative Images. So you will see me in makup (lipstick if i dont lick it all off, fashon eye makup, one ear in black), leather pants, witte skull colar (from awesome artwith designs), leather wrist restraints, cool white shirt my sister gave me, belts on thigh as wallet holder (leather pants are too tight for pocket usage), ringed collars on ankles, knee high combat boots (kinda like these but without the strapies/buckles), ringed belt, bondage straps on arms. I cannot find all the stuff online but you can see it in the pics.
Off I go, sorry for the long post.
Sorry for the spelling.
Sorry for the self damaging mixture of 1/2gram and 2 relitive large perscription expired roxicet painkiller pills. I'm gettin dizzy but tens as well.
Stupid parents + too good for me girlfiend not here / total success (but mean too me half the time too but I still want her: relationships - the ultimate drug) = stupid me.
Hey that works! as the top increases my stupidity iincreases. As my failures increase (success decreasing) my stupidity increases.
Lastly, CrankyAngel. I promise to try again to write you a wave file of the pieces I have so far so we can tallk about where we want to take this song.
Does anyone here play instruments of any kind?
Want to join us for a purely online band? That would be cool!
As long as I have motovation
Ok, off I go really this time to end the longest post EVAR!
Bye!
Bye!
Bye!
...
{later that night}
They didnt even play 80's. It was some crap hip-hop band. I spent approx. $30 on two drinks. I cant even feel any of the pharmisuiticals or booze.
Poop.
Down sucks. No dance even. All for naught, or not, or whatever. Now for the poopy part of the night.
I havent gone up, down and out yet. Just up and out.
I speak in metaphor due to you and my disapproval.
I am just tired of the constant decent, the lack of any real success, the lack of external reinforcement of my efforts.
I need to find someone I can trust.
I really appreciate you all!
A piece of the puzzle.
Im glad I started early. There is only so long I can go tonight, and though limits scare me somewhat, tonight I need them.
Next stop sapphire...
Plus ups and PK's.
Please dont hate me. The LAST thing I need is dissapproval of you all.
Perhaps if I make it through tonight without blowing all my cashola I will go and see my friends shrink who is supposed to be good.
To think, it all started with me needing a little motovation in powder form. Then music. more motovation. Then pictures. more motovation. Get dressed for going out psudo-dancing. More motovation.
Not much motovation left...
Bringing my sketch pad, but my camera (which I knocked over
) only has T64 slide film which will NEVER work in dark situations...
se la vie, I only have 3 shots left anyway.
Please dont hate me for regressing. I was never like this in my youth, save for drinking, shrooms and pot. And when I say that becomming too major a part of my life I cut it out. Everything was seccondary to exploring reality.
now I have no friends and no social skills save for surface ones and philosophical debate/technique-work discussion abilities. I sure know a lot of useless academic drivel though.
And sence I was 18 I realized that the external (extriumsecus, my tat) Is but context for all the consciousness-es (er... not a word) that inhabit it: consciousness is to the external either like flowers in a dirt field, or cancerous cells in an otherwize heathy body, depending on your glass being half full or half empty.
So If I spent my life learning about the external (because I though that was the only truth as all consciousness is a broken lense because of its removal from the external), but now believe that external is just context for all of us (all conscious life forms) have I looking for the trees but only seeing the forest (to re-contextualize an old coliqualism)?
I also cant spel, so please forgive me for that as well. If you were here I would put on my "submissive" colar (I actually have one, you can almost see it here) and do what ever you order me to, as pennance for my mulit-trangressions.
I am dressed really cool though!
Alright, you convinced me. I will take pics. Perhaps I can use them for art: may new process of using photos as seeds for generative Images. So you will see me in makup (lipstick if i dont lick it all off, fashon eye makup, one ear in black), leather pants, witte skull colar (from awesome artwith designs), leather wrist restraints, cool white shirt my sister gave me, belts on thigh as wallet holder (leather pants are too tight for pocket usage), ringed collars on ankles, knee high combat boots (kinda like these but without the strapies/buckles), ringed belt, bondage straps on arms. I cannot find all the stuff online but you can see it in the pics.
Off I go, sorry for the long post.
Sorry for the spelling.
Sorry for the self damaging mixture of 1/2gram and 2 relitive large perscription expired roxicet painkiller pills. I'm gettin dizzy but tens as well.
Stupid parents + too good for me girlfiend not here / total success (but mean too me half the time too but I still want her: relationships - the ultimate drug) = stupid me.
Hey that works! as the top increases my stupidity iincreases. As my failures increase (success decreasing) my stupidity increases.
Lastly, CrankyAngel. I promise to try again to write you a wave file of the pieces I have so far so we can tallk about where we want to take this song.
Does anyone here play instruments of any kind?
Want to join us for a purely online band? That would be cool!
As long as I have motovation
Ok, off I go really this time to end the longest post EVAR!
Bye!
Bye!
Bye!
...
{later that night}
They didnt even play 80's. It was some crap hip-hop band. I spent approx. $30 on two drinks. I cant even feel any of the pharmisuiticals or booze.
Poop.
Down sucks. No dance even. All for naught, or not, or whatever. Now for the poopy part of the night.
severus:
Yeah, this is a long journal. I read almost everything, I'm tired and MY english suck, not yours god damn! I'm sorry you feel like you do but things can always be better and change to the better and you can always start over and maybe find a new place to do it in, maybe you should move? I don't know. I hate drugs I hope you don't let them take over. 