apologees

...i think i still have a gf. just one with more space than before. so i gotta try to hold myself to givin her more space or something. dunno how that'll work out, but i'll try and stuff. hard, too.

i want to be more exciting. like the six million dollar man, without all that money.

any ideas?

**the guitar solo in neil young's "change your mind" is not matched by much else.

-i sat and watched a blank television for the duration of "songs of leonard cohen" today in the dusk light. it was nice.

-i remember why i don't like thinking now. F does. is distractingly depressing. like, you read him because you know that only doestoivski can possibly be as deppressed as you are, and then, after reading 50 pages of him, you realize that he is belittling your pain, whatever it is. struggling with the sadness that comes from the assurance that there can be no cosmological meaning or justice. fragmentary pain and slight glimpses at a unified happiness...just enough to make you wanna drown in vodka like fyodor's daddy did, except voluntarily... his words glance down at every other pain and laugh to themselves, knowing its trivial. smartest guy i've met told me he still doesnt fully understand the brothers karamazov, and i believe him. every time i read it, it depresses me more. but its all true. its just silly how much is in there waiting to be discovered. its like reading aristotle, and just sitting down trying to understand one little page of his metaphysics. there is too much there. one can go on and on and fucking on about the implications of the words he uses. he doesnt bother explaining them, but if you sit down and work it out, its ridiculous how much of the world he has examined thoughtfully and laid out in perfect logical form for you to discover for yourself. it works, but then it doesnt. which is why F does. is so fucking great. i think if f does. and aristotle ever met in a bar, f does. would make aristotle cry, and aristotle would be unable to make himself stop. that'd be a good drunken conversation, methinks. im all down for contributing the bottle of vodka if someone can go dig those fuckers up. and give them a good shave, too.

fingers cold, toes cold, hands dirty.

fuck i need more cigarettes...

***didnt get more cigarettes, but i did get buddy holly on the radio. fuck i love that dead guy. he could have my babies. he makes the complex simple. also did the first punk rock scream ever. EVER. before james brown started screaming, even. ok, maybe lil richard did it. but buddy holly was the first white boy to do it when coke wasnt fashionable (im sure some dumbass band dude did it in the swinging 20s while all coked out--but that would have no meaning....) when buddy holly does it, its punk rock. thats all.

buddy holly fucking rules everything within me.

this picture is fucking cute like a puppy with a bigass pile of toilet paper that he just ripped apart...the puppy has just been caught and is staring at the camera looking all guilty like puppies do sometimes...its cuter than that. admit it. dammit.