AN OPEN LETTER to University of Miami students with sports cars:
Could you turn off the rocket-fueled jet packs attached to your cars when you enter the parking lot, please? Because when Im getting ready to pull out of my parking space, and you come barreling around the corner at 200 miles per hour, I will have an embolism. And a heart attack. Simultaneously. Look, I understand that you have a very nice sports car. Its Italian? Great. Its a Porsche, you say? Pronounced like the name Portia? Well, good for you. I dont need to see your cars power in all its glory in a 10 mph zone, kiddo. So slow the fuck down.
AN OPEN LETTER to the guy with the Hummer:
Listen, GUY. Im fair. If you have a Miata, feel free to double park wherever you want to put your tiny little car. Yes, people will assume you are either a divorce or a gay guy. But I tried maneuvering out of my parking space for 20 minutes because your ludicrously large and impractical vehicle blocked the small amount of leeway I had even without your monster of an automobile behind me. And then I had to wait another 10 minutes, because I couldnt get out. I had to wait for you or the nice girl in the VW Beetle who wasnt blocked by your overcompensation for a tiny dick. Then, FINALLY, I could get home. Only, by then, I had missed my window and had to navigate through rush hour traffic. THANKS.
And I wasnt going to sticker your car. I wasnt, because I was scared you would come before I got a chance to leave, and you would know that I, a disgruntled hippie, had done that to your behemoth. Well, fortunately, you planned on spending the day double parking, leaving me with ample time to cover your Hummer in SG stickers. Please dont become a member.
Furthermore, why would you buy a fucking Hummer? You know that Miami has paved roads now. Your car was fucking spotless, not a speck of mud on it that is, before I stickered your car. You, and your car, are useless.
AN OPEN LETTER to UM residents with cars:
Please dont park your cars in non-dorm parking lots. There isnt exactly an overabundance of parking spaces, you know, and You dont have to deal with traffic or wake up two hours before your class starts in order to shower, do your morning routine, and drive in Miami traffic to school, okay? So, walk. Pretty much everything on campus is within a ten minute walk, and there are shuttles.
I hate you.
AN OPEN LETTER to the ASSHOLE who stole my Sony Discman:
Okay, so it wasnt a wise idea to leave my backpack on the computer chair by the terminal I was working on. I see people do it all the time, and I figured it was safe. Besides, available computers are scarce, despite the fact that there are probably over 100 in the librarys lab alone. Yeah, I guess I shouldve zipped up my backpack. But did you have to reach into my backpack and take an outdated square Discman? Dont you want one of those fetching round ones, in pretty colors? Mine had dopey girly stickers. Did you really want those Powerpuff Girl and Hello Kitty stickers that badly? And I liked that Troggs CD. I wanted to play Psycho tonight, and now I cant. And that is why I hate you forever. I only have one other Troggs CD on it, asshole, and it doesnt have Psycho on it. I HATE YOU, MOTHERFUCKER.
AN OPEN LETTER to Daniel-Day Lewis:
Please let me have ten million of your babies.
Could you turn off the rocket-fueled jet packs attached to your cars when you enter the parking lot, please? Because when Im getting ready to pull out of my parking space, and you come barreling around the corner at 200 miles per hour, I will have an embolism. And a heart attack. Simultaneously. Look, I understand that you have a very nice sports car. Its Italian? Great. Its a Porsche, you say? Pronounced like the name Portia? Well, good for you. I dont need to see your cars power in all its glory in a 10 mph zone, kiddo. So slow the fuck down.
AN OPEN LETTER to the guy with the Hummer:
Listen, GUY. Im fair. If you have a Miata, feel free to double park wherever you want to put your tiny little car. Yes, people will assume you are either a divorce or a gay guy. But I tried maneuvering out of my parking space for 20 minutes because your ludicrously large and impractical vehicle blocked the small amount of leeway I had even without your monster of an automobile behind me. And then I had to wait another 10 minutes, because I couldnt get out. I had to wait for you or the nice girl in the VW Beetle who wasnt blocked by your overcompensation for a tiny dick. Then, FINALLY, I could get home. Only, by then, I had missed my window and had to navigate through rush hour traffic. THANKS.
And I wasnt going to sticker your car. I wasnt, because I was scared you would come before I got a chance to leave, and you would know that I, a disgruntled hippie, had done that to your behemoth. Well, fortunately, you planned on spending the day double parking, leaving me with ample time to cover your Hummer in SG stickers. Please dont become a member.
Furthermore, why would you buy a fucking Hummer? You know that Miami has paved roads now. Your car was fucking spotless, not a speck of mud on it that is, before I stickered your car. You, and your car, are useless.
AN OPEN LETTER to UM residents with cars:
Please dont park your cars in non-dorm parking lots. There isnt exactly an overabundance of parking spaces, you know, and You dont have to deal with traffic or wake up two hours before your class starts in order to shower, do your morning routine, and drive in Miami traffic to school, okay? So, walk. Pretty much everything on campus is within a ten minute walk, and there are shuttles.
I hate you.
AN OPEN LETTER to the ASSHOLE who stole my Sony Discman:
Okay, so it wasnt a wise idea to leave my backpack on the computer chair by the terminal I was working on. I see people do it all the time, and I figured it was safe. Besides, available computers are scarce, despite the fact that there are probably over 100 in the librarys lab alone. Yeah, I guess I shouldve zipped up my backpack. But did you have to reach into my backpack and take an outdated square Discman? Dont you want one of those fetching round ones, in pretty colors? Mine had dopey girly stickers. Did you really want those Powerpuff Girl and Hello Kitty stickers that badly? And I liked that Troggs CD. I wanted to play Psycho tonight, and now I cant. And that is why I hate you forever. I only have one other Troggs CD on it, asshole, and it doesnt have Psycho on it. I HATE YOU, MOTHERFUCKER.
AN OPEN LETTER to Daniel-Day Lewis:
Please let me have ten million of your babies.
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The Lewis/Toaster spawn would have bedroom eyes, mystery, crooked noses, incisive wit....