angelsword

So I'm finally moving. Conditions have been met to accommodate me actually getting into the house that I've owned for four months now, and I am (slowly) getting what few possessions I have into it. The strange thing is that it doesn't feel like a move. Oh, sure. It is, in fact, moving. But the fact that I'm not just moving, but moving out, makes...
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AngelSword: I still have feelings for my friend, Marissa.
SMEE: That cute friend who was wearing bunny ears?
AngelSword: Yeah
AngelSword: Though she'd correct you and say they're rabbit ears.
AngelSword: Bunnies wear far less.
SMEE: Yeah, I thought that she was your lady friend. I got to meet her at GenCon.
SMEE: Oh? Bunny wear far less?...
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It's amazing how encouraging and slightly flirtatious comments from a friend can really brighten one's mood, taking me from a point of seething, unrelenting hatred of someone I know only in deed, to a point of giddy elation I haven't seen in quite some time.

So, Dayton trip over and done with. Pretty straightforward military run around. The only thing is that I walked away...
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So, I've been fucking a woman to whom I have no attachment or attraction. And I find myself getting angry about it; mostly at myself. I'm not sure if it's because I'm doing this while still so attached to Anabel, or because I've never been the type to fuck for fuck's sake. Either way, I don't like it.

The more conversations I have with this...
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So, it would seem that Anabel cheated on me. I've said before that the things she's done were the worst things she could have done to me, but this tops them all, due in part to the fact that it's happened to me before (break up under false pretenses, only to have the truth of the cheating to come out later), and in part that...
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She's sick. Despite the torment she's exposed me to, despite how she demonizes me, all I want to do is go to her and try to make her feel better.

Here is my take on what is going on.

I'm angry.

I"m angry at Chaos. I'm angry at Fate. I'm angry at whatever wayward gods govern those forces. But not at whom I am most justified to be angry.

Mark my words. If I ever find you, the world will be unmade before I am through with you. You will not know the release of the grave. No, you insignificant little parasite. I will see to it that the seas of all nations are awash with your blood. And you shall live to see it.

I'm alone, sitting with my broken glass
My four walls follow me through my past
I was on a Paris train
I emerged in London rain
And you waiting there swimming through apologies

I remember searching for the perfect words
I was hoping you might change your mind
I remember the soldier standing next to me
Riding on the Metro

I was smiling as you...
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Just as I was coming up on the borders of a good mood, a thought crossed my mind; a terrible secret from the dawn of our relationship comes roaring back to the forefront of my thoughts, to torment me, like it always has.