andreya

Beware what follows is stupid bitching:

Ick. Sometimes the opportunity to make more money comes along and I am so tempted to pursue it. But the thing is it's not really what I want to do. Like this job. Why am I here? Because I was tempted by the delusion that there was money here. But I think, couldn't I be happy? Hell, I'd be making more than twice what I'm making here! But no. I can't. Production is what I love and I have to stick to it, even if it takes me forever to make more money. Sheesh. But it's so hard not to feel like you're passing something up. Just like this site. I passed it up years ago, and I'm still passing it up now. Or maybe I'm not still passing it up, since it's probably too late. But I always wanted to do some sort of artsy shit: model, or act, or sing in a band, and I gave up on it. Why? Because I have no fucking faith in myself. I'm a pussy. And don't just say "go for it!" It's not that easy! So, to this day I am still battling with myself and I hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it! I wish I could just fucking make up my mind and stick to a fucking decision! I almost wish I weren't here seeing all these cute girls and awesome sets and wishing I could do the same. But you know what the biggest part of my problem is? I am not willing to fucking step up and do anything...I just choose to leave shit up to chance, and that's so stupid. This is pathetic. I always bitch about it, and it's soooo stupid! Okay, I'm fine. I'll live. In a few months my membership will expire and I won't renew and this will be out of sight out of mind. And I will forever wonder if it wouldn't have been cool to do this. Okay, I'm gonna shut up now.