This is kinda long and i'm sorry but i think i would like to know what people have to say to this. I really am kinda freaking out at the moment.
Josh came over again tonight. But this time we actaully got a change to hang out. Watched Borat and the Matadore. Personaly the second was a much better movie.
So i spent about 4 hours with my legs draped over josh on the love seat. He rested his arms on my legs or thigh. He also lightly rubbed my hair for a while. I almost fell asleep i was so confortable. Sleep for me is a very fickel thing. I've NEVER fell asleep in someones arms while they held me. I've never fell asleep laying on someone while watching a movie. Hell i can't normally even get tierd if the televition is on. But tonight i almost fell asleep with my legs draped over him, my head on his arm and his fingers softly playing with my hair. I'll say it... it scared me... on so many levals. For one why isn't it like that with E. any more? It was when we first met (E. and I) but then we got in a huge fight(its a really long story i'll tell if its requested)... after we got back together i think i lost alot of trust for E, and maybe a little love. With josh its all kinda fresh and new even though we're only friends.... he's never hurt me badly. Any how i felt so safe and confortable I almost fell asleep. (with josh... tonight) He's a friend a good friend but it felt more intement then anything i've experianced in the last few .... years. That saddens me. There's a small part of me that feels incredably guilty... but i don't understand why. Did i do something wrong? I suppose i did. The intamacy was a turn on... letting a close friend of both E. and I's turn me on... is proably bad... But everything about it is intensly intiment and intensly arousing. I know i should stop seeing him at all but he really is one of my best friends. .... why do i have an easier time acknowledgeing that i love josh then i do acknoledgeing that i love E.? Also i'm not going to see him again for at least a few (6ish) months. And by then i'll be ... mrs. E.
I have to admit there was a not so small part of me that really wanted to lean over and kiss him more then once. I shouldn't have these feeling.... but i do... is it normal? I honestly don't know. Its been so long sence i first kiss. Its been so long sence a first anything. How much of this is just being lonely?
I think my other friend and roomate (Andrew) is starting to think something is up. I feel like he's always casting a look or sighing loudly... is that my conious projecting or him thinking i'm .... don't something wrong.
The horrable thing is i don't want these feelings to go away. I can lean against E. but he's not the type to play with my hair. When i'm with E. thers always a foot in the wrong place or and arm thats going with numb. With josh.... its not like that. as long as we're touching i'm comfotable... i have buterflys but i'm comfy. I'm a horrable human being aren't I?
The worst thing is... Josh is just the type of guy that plays with female friends hair and lets them come with in seconds of cfalling asleep. It's not that i or him is "special" its just that he's a nice guy. (i hate knowing he has no feelings for me... it bothers me but it shouldn't matter)
I'm so FUCKING confused. I"m half angry with my self for enjoying someone elses company that much and half disapointed i couldn't enjoy more of it.
What the hell is wrong with me? I have a wonderful man sitting in cali missing me and all i can think about is the smell of a different mans shirt.
Josh came over again tonight. But this time we actaully got a change to hang out. Watched Borat and the Matadore. Personaly the second was a much better movie.
So i spent about 4 hours with my legs draped over josh on the love seat. He rested his arms on my legs or thigh. He also lightly rubbed my hair for a while. I almost fell asleep i was so confortable. Sleep for me is a very fickel thing. I've NEVER fell asleep in someones arms while they held me. I've never fell asleep laying on someone while watching a movie. Hell i can't normally even get tierd if the televition is on. But tonight i almost fell asleep with my legs draped over him, my head on his arm and his fingers softly playing with my hair. I'll say it... it scared me... on so many levals. For one why isn't it like that with E. any more? It was when we first met (E. and I) but then we got in a huge fight(its a really long story i'll tell if its requested)... after we got back together i think i lost alot of trust for E, and maybe a little love. With josh its all kinda fresh and new even though we're only friends.... he's never hurt me badly. Any how i felt so safe and confortable I almost fell asleep. (with josh... tonight) He's a friend a good friend but it felt more intement then anything i've experianced in the last few .... years. That saddens me. There's a small part of me that feels incredably guilty... but i don't understand why. Did i do something wrong? I suppose i did. The intamacy was a turn on... letting a close friend of both E. and I's turn me on... is proably bad... But everything about it is intensly intiment and intensly arousing. I know i should stop seeing him at all but he really is one of my best friends. .... why do i have an easier time acknowledgeing that i love josh then i do acknoledgeing that i love E.? Also i'm not going to see him again for at least a few (6ish) months. And by then i'll be ... mrs. E.
I have to admit there was a not so small part of me that really wanted to lean over and kiss him more then once. I shouldn't have these feeling.... but i do... is it normal? I honestly don't know. Its been so long sence i first kiss. Its been so long sence a first anything. How much of this is just being lonely?
I think my other friend and roomate (Andrew) is starting to think something is up. I feel like he's always casting a look or sighing loudly... is that my conious projecting or him thinking i'm .... don't something wrong.
The horrable thing is i don't want these feelings to go away. I can lean against E. but he's not the type to play with my hair. When i'm with E. thers always a foot in the wrong place or and arm thats going with numb. With josh.... its not like that. as long as we're touching i'm comfotable... i have buterflys but i'm comfy. I'm a horrable human being aren't I?
The worst thing is... Josh is just the type of guy that plays with female friends hair and lets them come with in seconds of cfalling asleep. It's not that i or him is "special" its just that he's a nice guy. (i hate knowing he has no feelings for me... it bothers me but it shouldn't matter)
I'm so FUCKING confused. I"m half angry with my self for enjoying someone elses company that much and half disapointed i couldn't enjoy more of it.
What the hell is wrong with me? I have a wonderful man sitting in cali missing me and all i can think about is the smell of a different mans shirt.
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It's a beautiful feeling mixed with guilt and angst and whatever the fuck else. So awesome that I'm almost sorry you're going through it because it complicates life to the thousandth degree.
Good luck with it, doll
Meaning feeling comfortable with a particular body type, and person and just fitting comfortable without the elbow in the wrong place, or the crick in the neck.
Ha!