amymay

Some times i dont under stand how such a good day an turn in to such an awful night. E. and i spent the day together. Really together... then the night watching movies. We went to the bedroom at midnight and soon were makeing love. Which is weird cause we never make love. We have sex and accoationaly we fuck but we rarely make love. So there we talking about past memories we shared when we start makeing out. That leads further and the entire time we're talking about the first time we kissed and the first time we fucked and the first time we wanted to be with one another. It was the first time in a very long time that we mentaly was conected.
There we are, he's just came on my stomache after pulling out and he says. We're kissing passionately. He stops and lifts up (he's on top) "I should have made you drive first year". I stare at him open mouthed for a moment before bursting in to tears.
Whats wrong he say
We just made love and now your telling me the things you would change and at the top of the list is me DRIVEING" I say
"It was a joke" he says. "i didn't mean to upset you"
I'm fine" I tell him as i wipe away the tears.

I turn over (heart broken) and he insist on cuddleing more. I spoon with him but he insist i'm not cuddleing back. (i didn't want him to touch me at this point i just wanted to melt in to the covers. I felt used and dirty for being nieve enough to make love with him. To think we were shareing something when what he was really thinking about was what he would change about me.)
I'm sorry hunny im just really touchy about the driveing thing" i say
I'm sorry i didn't realize" he says
You didn't realize that i tear up everytime you mention me driveing"
No some times i just don't notice things like that with you"
(how do you not notice when your loved one is hurt)
I turn over and lay on his chest and we start talking about things we would change. Things like spending more time with my grandparents befor they passed. We're still reminising and i'm still fighting back tears but trying desperatly not to make a big deal out of it.
We're talking and something comes up and he starts to get very emotional over a comment. He wont let me see him cry but i can tell by his breathing that he is. The thing is hes not emotional over a memory we share but something he wont tell me about from his child hood.
This happens all the time. Well two things happen. 1. When he's done something to hurt me and he knows its hurt me, something will come up from him child hood that upsets him. Its almost like a pissing contest. The thing is he had a pretty good childhood. So they're things like a fight at school. Things that he sees as life changeing and i see as trivial. I can't relate to them. 2. He gets emotional over things and wont talk to me about them. He keeps them bottled up like he doesn't trust me enough to share them. When he finaly does open up he tells me things that have nothing to do with why he got emotional. It feels like he's lieing to me. Or telling me a misstruth. And he NEVER getts emotional over us or anything we've shared its always something from his past.
This sounds horrable but i want to be the one to make him hurt. I want him to cry over ME not something he did when he was 12. and when he does cry i want to know why! I want to know what he's thinking about and not be shut out like everyone else is. I WANT TO BE SPECIAL TO HIM.
I'm a pretty open book but i have so many barriers and defence mechinisims i've had to work hard at letting go of to let him in. I'm still working on trust issues and beliefe for him. Why is it ok for him to keep me at arms length. Just out side.
I want a love where there are no secerets I want a love that shows me the skeletons so i don't have to trip over them blindly. I've alway felt like the one on the out side of whats going on. I want some one to open up thier heart to me. I want to feel safe enough to make love DANM IT!

I'm sure i'm getting married to him and this changes nothing But i just thought love would be more then this... more ... equal.