amymay

E asked me if i was happy tonight...
Let me back up
We ran in to lobster_ Monbster at walmarts this evening. It was nice running in to some one anywhere cause it means you know people... Anyhow she asked if i was going to girls night and i told her it wasn't really my thing. This led to a conversation about girls and looks (both of us seem to be jeans and sweatshirt type girls). This conversation continued in the car between me and E. I told him that i would look alot different if he wasn't in my life. For starters I would have more tattoos stretched ears and a few more pierceings. This continued in to a conversation about where my life would be different (drasticly different). As we pulled in to the garage he looks at me and asked "are you happy".... "In general". I started to cry and we sat there for a while. I told him No. That i didn't really know what happy was. I mean look at my mom i said How was i supposed to gauge what happy was when i was near here my whole life. Then i explianed how i didn't understand love either. That i saw alot of things done out of "love" like beatings and verbal berating that i didn't understand. I told him i knew i wanted him in my life. I knew i was supposed to be with him like my grandma knew she was supposed to be with my grandpa. I told him i just didn't know what i wanted out of life where i was supposed to fit in. But i was tierd of being E's Girlfriend (or E.'s wife) I wanted to be AMY. I wanted something more then standing in his shadow.


I think alot of what i said went over his head and i don't think it acomplished a danm thing... BUT i said it. I told him and i was honest about it. I can't do anything more then that.

I'm still sick BTW But if Lobster calls me tomarrow A.M. i'm going to help her move. Then E. and I are driveing down to Santa Rosa for the midnight opening of EB for Burning Crusaides. He may take tuesday off to play.... (Is this really my life.... Yup)