amymay

Then i was hopeing to talk to someone so i rearranged my afternoon of cleaning and cooking but then he never showed. I can't blame him he had compainy show up. and it wasn't that i had to re arange things.. I just reall wanted to talk. It was like a reminder how few friends i'm able to keep in contact with. and how sad it is to meet some one that seems to get you and then it doesn't really make a difference cause the same things happens as does with everyone else. Its not that he keeps disapointing me its kinda that i cant find any friends that don't end up falling though or falling out..

So then I stareted cooking for our anniversery. Four years today. Four very long some good some great and some afful years. I kept doing stupid things because of the pain like forgetting to add the other half of the cake mix in.. The food ended up great in the end but getting to the end was a pain in the neck.

When E came home he braught a cake.. a bad cake... and i had already made a cake.. It was kinda a wash. I gave him the first gift while i was finishing dinner. It was 6 gigs of music. I think he loved it. Then we sat down for dinner and ate. Meal was good conversation was random. Then i gave him the second gift. It was a stupid girly gift, a heart box i painted full of "hopes for the future". And a note. He said he thought it was cute which was all i was hopeing for. So we're setting on the couch talking about how tierd we are and he is trying to get me to take a nap. I told him to take one i didn't mind and he said " I'm only takeing one if you do i want to cuddle (code words for get play)Its my anniversery too!! " Heres the thing... He baught a crappy cake and didn't say happy anniversery till 10:30pm, thats it! I spent the last three nights downloading music and hours on the dinner and his silly little "cute" gift. And i got an its my anniversery TOO? I was like what the hell... So I went to lay down because i wanted to sleep. He ended up rubbing against till i grabbed his dick. Here's the thing I have my monthly and he wont fuck me while i have it. And he really wanted to fuck. Heres my nice surprise.. WE FINALLY GOT ANAL TO WORK! Which means I came which was soooo nice! but he only did it cause he wanted to fuck it really wasn't cause I wanted it.. I kinda didn't want it today but you take when you can get. Now he's back at his computer...

I don't know... i guess i'm never happy. I just.. I thought an anniversery was about apreating eachother. I didn't want a gift but i would have loved for it to feel special or for me to feel a little special today. But really i feel taken advantage of. He wouldn't even clean up the dishes. I know i know.. all i do is bitch about him and i don't change anything. But how do i change it and what about leaveing would mean i would get someone better... I'm just so hurt I almost cried while he was rubbing up on me. I had to hold back tears. If he hadn't fucked me in the bum I would have slept on the couch. I just don't know what i'm supposed to do. Every one says deal or leave or talk to him. What does talking help.. yeah for a week things are ok but then they go back to how they were. I can't figure out how to deal and how do you just walk away from 4 years of your life with some one. How do you walk away from the future your planning on when you have nothing to walk to.. How do you hurt some one that badly. On the other hand i need to do something cause right now.. I still want to cry.