amitabha

Time: 10:27 PM
Drink: Water
Music: DJ Assault - Straight Up Detroit Shit Vol2

I've felt all mixed up in my head lately... not in a "I'm depressed" way or anything like that, but more like my brain has been turned into a snow globe containing all my thoughts, emotions, aspirations, and goals... and the world just took that globe and shook it furiously. The odd thing about this is that it does not come at the tail end of any string of events, but appears to be somewhat random.

So I've had to take a step back from everything to re-evaluate my whole life, my situation, my place in this world, the people that I involve myself with, and what direction I'm trying to aim the arrow that is I. One of the things that I've noticed through a little introspective attention is that I feel really alienated from just about all of my peers. I've actually been feeling like this for a little while now, but I've started to pay that feeling some attention and it's got me curious what's going on. I've started to pay attention to the fact that I pretty much almost exclusively hang out with myself aside from occasional stints of hanging out w/ friends. While I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing, it does concern me a little bit. People tell me that everyone feels like this, and I guess I believe it, just for the sake of it, but I think one of the reasons I'm always by myself is that I don't really feel like I relate or connect with anyone. Honestly, I feel like tons of people connect w/ me, but that feeling isn't reciprocal as I end up feeling like there is something missing. I find myself completely bored with people and with conversations and happenings, and it makes me wonder if I'm just completely weird. It's funny, the older I get I realize how important the people I really connect with are to my life. When I was young(er) I kind of blew it off when someone I really connected with moved away or something because there's always this looming assumption that there's plenty more where that came from, but now I'm realizing that you only really connect with people very seldom. I think this goes for all relationships, at least for me. I was talking with my friend Indigo today, just about romantic relationships and what not, and he told me something that other people have told me that I just can't accept: "Lower your standards". Is it really so terrible to have high standards for what you want out of a relationship and not want to lower them just for the comfort of being with someone that you don't really connect with? That sounds like you'd just be cheating yourself and the other person.. not really fair to anyone.

I think in general I feel like I'm turning a new page in my constant quest for self reflection, and how I view the world and the people I come into contact with in my life. I've always considered myself a pretty morally and ethically solid person, and I feel like I'm tightening the belt on notch tighter.

There really is no way to sum up this entry, as I'm not even really sure what it is that I'm trying to say. I still feel like that snow globe, but I know that things eventually settle. I'm appreciative of the fact that my life is not predictable, as change brings progress and new ideas.