Thurrrsday ...
Today I wrote a lot of emails purging myself of a lot of pent-up emotion that I've been experiencing. Normally when I have problems with a certain person, I can't bring myself to confide in anybody else about it because it feels kind of like a betrayal of that person (my friends will probably know who I mean) - and also, to be brutally honest, because my family are very protective of me and have extremely long memories (which in fact they are justified to do, given how totally miserable I used to be in this relationship) and it makes things very difficult for me if I've confided in them about a bad situation, and then things work themselves out, and we're all happy again but my poor family are left remembering all the bad stuff and gritting their teeth and trying to make-nice for my sake. So now I no longer do that.
But, recently, things have been sort of bad and I've really needed someone to talk to about it. So I ended up emailing my sister with some vague details (nothing too specific, it's way too complicated for that) but basically just asking her to please listen to what I have to say and if at all possible to forget everything that I've said as soon as I ask her to. Ha! Yeah right, who could do that? But, even though I didn't feel any great release-of-pressure sensation after I pressed "send", something still stopped me from deleting what I'd written, so there must be some form of subconscious benefit I suppose.
Sort of dreading going home tonight - am terrified that we'll end up fighting again. This relationship is so precious to me, I could not handle it if things went bad (or worse, given the current state of affairs).
The thing is, is that the tone of the relationship/mood/atmosphere can change so quickly from relaxed, loving and screaming with laughter, to angry, agonisingly tense, and tearful, that it's fucking exhausting. Last night we went out for dinner with some of the guys from work, and had the best night EVER - delicious food, excellent company, we just laughed allll night long. Got home at about 1 and somehow it all turned to shit and I got kicked out of the bed and had to go and sleep in the crappy single bed and he actually hit me in the head with a pillow because he was so angry. Granted we were both a little drunk. I just felt like the carpet had been pulled out from under me and I was balanced in that sickening moment, poised in mid-air, before you hit the floorboards. Blah blah CLICHE but there you go - they're cliched because so many people agree they're true.
So yeah. Today things are strange.
I keep feeling as though I should apologise (to who?!) for moaning about things .... but, this is my life at the moment as it really, truly is. I try and wring as much joy out of the good things that happen as I can, and I know I'm not making things seem worse than they are, so I'm not going to feel guilty and I'm not going to apologise (aah, so defiant to the unseen audience!). I actually caught myself starting this paragraph with, Sorry this blog is so maudlin ... but caught myself just in time! Phew. That's one thing I really want to change about myself - self sabotage. Apologising without needing to, deflecting compliments, etc.
OK well it's past seven and I'd better leave the office and go home.
xoxoxxo
Today I wrote a lot of emails purging myself of a lot of pent-up emotion that I've been experiencing. Normally when I have problems with a certain person, I can't bring myself to confide in anybody else about it because it feels kind of like a betrayal of that person (my friends will probably know who I mean) - and also, to be brutally honest, because my family are very protective of me and have extremely long memories (which in fact they are justified to do, given how totally miserable I used to be in this relationship) and it makes things very difficult for me if I've confided in them about a bad situation, and then things work themselves out, and we're all happy again but my poor family are left remembering all the bad stuff and gritting their teeth and trying to make-nice for my sake. So now I no longer do that.
But, recently, things have been sort of bad and I've really needed someone to talk to about it. So I ended up emailing my sister with some vague details (nothing too specific, it's way too complicated for that) but basically just asking her to please listen to what I have to say and if at all possible to forget everything that I've said as soon as I ask her to. Ha! Yeah right, who could do that? But, even though I didn't feel any great release-of-pressure sensation after I pressed "send", something still stopped me from deleting what I'd written, so there must be some form of subconscious benefit I suppose.
Sort of dreading going home tonight - am terrified that we'll end up fighting again. This relationship is so precious to me, I could not handle it if things went bad (or worse, given the current state of affairs).
The thing is, is that the tone of the relationship/mood/atmosphere can change so quickly from relaxed, loving and screaming with laughter, to angry, agonisingly tense, and tearful, that it's fucking exhausting. Last night we went out for dinner with some of the guys from work, and had the best night EVER - delicious food, excellent company, we just laughed allll night long. Got home at about 1 and somehow it all turned to shit and I got kicked out of the bed and had to go and sleep in the crappy single bed and he actually hit me in the head with a pillow because he was so angry. Granted we were both a little drunk. I just felt like the carpet had been pulled out from under me and I was balanced in that sickening moment, poised in mid-air, before you hit the floorboards. Blah blah CLICHE but there you go - they're cliched because so many people agree they're true.
So yeah. Today things are strange.
I keep feeling as though I should apologise (to who?!) for moaning about things .... but, this is my life at the moment as it really, truly is. I try and wring as much joy out of the good things that happen as I can, and I know I'm not making things seem worse than they are, so I'm not going to feel guilty and I'm not going to apologise (aah, so defiant to the unseen audience!). I actually caught myself starting this paragraph with, Sorry this blog is so maudlin ... but caught myself just in time! Phew. That's one thing I really want to change about myself - self sabotage. Apologising without needing to, deflecting compliments, etc.
OK well it's past seven and I'd better leave the office and go home.
xoxoxxo
I love you. I will be the best welcome party ever. XOXOOXXO