alyx666

'if you have 5 seconds to spare
then i'll tell you the story of my life
16 clumsy & shy
i went to london & i
booked myself in at the y
w c a
i said i like it here can i stay
i like it here can i stay
and do you have a vacancy
for a backscrubber'
--morissey

it really annoys me when i let other people's actions or opinions have such a strong affect on me. normally i don't give a shit what other people think. normally i have a sense of humor about people's foibles, especially my own. normally i'm an emotional flatliner.
i've spent most of my life cultivating this ambivelence & detatchment from the world around me. the main reason for this is that ever since i was a small child, i have been afraid of strong emotions--especially anger. i remember watching 'the incredible hulk' on tv & when bill bixby said, 'don't make me angry. you won't like me when i'm angry,' i felt i could relate. i felt like i had a big green monster inside me that would get out & wreak havok if i ever lost control. eventually, i got so good at controlling my emotions that i didn't have to think about it. sometimes i think i should be a little more emotional, but when i try to feel something, nothing happens.
i spend my life in a constant state of irritation. EVERYBODY gets on my nerves. the few friends or lovers i've had either hadn't irritated me yet, or they got on my nerves in a good way (don't ask me to explain that). i'm always annoyed but hardly ever angry.
one of the few things that can actually get me angry is authority. i have a real problem with authority in any form. especially when someone uses thier percieved authority in a personal 'asault' on me. being searched at the airport makes me angry. being censored makes me angry. & i hate the way i feel when i'm angry--which makes me all the more angry at the person in question for making me feel that way. it's hard to pull myself out of that cycle & when i finally do, i feel drained & depressed. i've been in a deep depression for the past year or so & being a part of this community and looking at the beautiful women on this site was really raising my spirits for awhile. now in the space of one day i find myself at the lowest point i've been in at least two years...
i know i probably irritate everyone i meet as much as they irritate me. i know i can be an asshole sometimes. 'i know i'm unloveable, you don't have to tell me.' i know it's not someone else's fault if i have an extreme reaction to something they do. that's just me & my issues. i just wanted to get all this shit off my chest. i'm not sorry for anything i have said in my posts. i'm not sorry for offending whoever i have offended. i don't think the people have a right to not be offended. i do think i have a right to offend people.
but...
i understand that this site is not a democracy. and i don't want to miss out on the positive aspects of this site & this community. so i will try to keep my big mouth shut. i'm going to stay off the 'current events' board for the time being. if anyone wants to know my opinions they can read my journal. if i had a clue, i would start my own website, but i'm having problems just getting my little homepage off the ground...
anyway...
to those of you who have voiced supportive comments to or about me--thank you from the bottom of my black, cold heart! to those of you i have offended or pissed off--i'm sorry we don't understand each other.

(what's so funny 'bout) peace, love & understanding,

alyx the raven