2004 is coming to a close, and with the exception of joining SG and meeting a lot of cool people, I can't say it's been a good year. 
Have you ever woken up and realized you're not happy and that you don't really like yourself or your station in life? I've been waking up like that since the fall of 2001, and while I can see and identify some of my issues (faithful readers of this space will know that I've spoken about this malaise before), they seem almost insurmountable. And, there are other issues out there floating around that I'm not even sure how to relate to. 
I don't hate myself, I'm just not happy with myself... kind of like an annoying former friend that I can't quite shake. At times, I'm quite happy and content, and I feel productive and focused. It lasts for a while, but then the clouds come back and I feel lost. A lot of it stems from bouts of low confidence, and it's frustrating because I often know the difference between doing the right thing and doing the destructive thing, but then the decision between the two paralyzes me and I do neither. I don't think my problems are particularly bad or worse than anyone elses, in fact, I know that with patience, sacrifice and hard work, I can climb out of this funk. Some people are not so lucky. I also know that my issues have been self-imposed, and that I have no one to blame but myself. But, I'm reluctant to make it a "resolution" to make improvements because my path is littered with those false promises. But I also know that I can't just keep beating my head against a wall.
So, for 2005 I hope to do better. I'm not going to qualify it with too many specifics, other than I want to work toward improving my life and be better about how I treat myself. And I also hope to confront at lease one of my problems and find a solution.
It is in that spirit that I wish all of you peace, truth and clarity in the new year. Thank you for listening to my rants over the past several months, and thank you for your kind comments. Take care and be well.
Friday evening, 6:15pm EST: I feel like crap. Some cold or virus or flu or something has kicked my ass in the course of 24 hours. I think I'm going back to bed.
Saturday morning, 1:10am EST: Well, I stayed in New Year's Eve and slept until a little before midnight when I woke up and watched the ball drop on 50-degree Times Square. Now, I still feel like shit and I'm wide awake. I missed hanging out with the SGCT crew at HonkeyKong's show. And, I have to work tonight, sick or not. 
I've been reading a lot of journals and it's amazing how many SG members are trying to work through similar feelings as me. I don't want to say that I'm glad or that it's heartening, but to know that we're all in this together helps put things into better perspective for me. Which, in a kind of odd way, is sort of comforting. We all acknowledged that the year was lousy, and we all see the difficulties we've endured and have ahead of us. But, it seems everyone wants to get better, no one's giving up. And that is encouraging. I was never at a point of giving up, but I was feeling powerless to enact change. But seeing those entries, and reading the positive and kind comments below, gives me hope that I can overcome this depression and feel happier again.
Saturday, 4:11pm EST: Spent the day sleeping and now I'm about to hop in the shower to get ready for work.
Tonight could go either way, busy which would kinda suck because I'm still tired, sick and weak, but it would help my wallet. Or, it could be kinda dead, which would be easier but boring as hell and bad for my wallet. If you're in the Norwalk, CT area tonight, come keep me company at the American Legion, 60 County Street. I pray I get through this shift unscathed. C-ya.
Have you ever woken up and realized you're not happy and that you don't really like yourself or your station in life? I've been waking up like that since the fall of 2001, and while I can see and identify some of my issues (faithful readers of this space will know that I've spoken about this malaise before), they seem almost insurmountable. And, there are other issues out there floating around that I'm not even sure how to relate to.
I don't hate myself, I'm just not happy with myself... kind of like an annoying former friend that I can't quite shake. At times, I'm quite happy and content, and I feel productive and focused. It lasts for a while, but then the clouds come back and I feel lost. A lot of it stems from bouts of low confidence, and it's frustrating because I often know the difference between doing the right thing and doing the destructive thing, but then the decision between the two paralyzes me and I do neither. I don't think my problems are particularly bad or worse than anyone elses, in fact, I know that with patience, sacrifice and hard work, I can climb out of this funk. Some people are not so lucky. I also know that my issues have been self-imposed, and that I have no one to blame but myself. But, I'm reluctant to make it a "resolution" to make improvements because my path is littered with those false promises. But I also know that I can't just keep beating my head against a wall.
So, for 2005 I hope to do better. I'm not going to qualify it with too many specifics, other than I want to work toward improving my life and be better about how I treat myself. And I also hope to confront at lease one of my problems and find a solution.
It is in that spirit that I wish all of you peace, truth and clarity in the new year. Thank you for listening to my rants over the past several months, and thank you for your kind comments. Take care and be well.
Friday evening, 6:15pm EST: I feel like crap. Some cold or virus or flu or something has kicked my ass in the course of 24 hours. I think I'm going back to bed.
Saturday morning, 1:10am EST: Well, I stayed in New Year's Eve and slept until a little before midnight when I woke up and watched the ball drop on 50-degree Times Square. Now, I still feel like shit and I'm wide awake. I missed hanging out with the SGCT crew at HonkeyKong's show.
And, I have to work tonight, sick or not.
I've been reading a lot of journals and it's amazing how many SG members are trying to work through similar feelings as me. I don't want to say that I'm glad or that it's heartening, but to know that we're all in this together helps put things into better perspective for me. Which, in a kind of odd way, is sort of comforting. We all acknowledged that the year was lousy, and we all see the difficulties we've endured and have ahead of us. But, it seems everyone wants to get better, no one's giving up. And that is encouraging. I was never at a point of giving up, but I was feeling powerless to enact change. But seeing those entries, and reading the positive and kind comments below, gives me hope that I can overcome this depression and feel happier again.
Saturday, 4:11pm EST: Spent the day sleeping and now I'm about to hop in the shower to get ready for work.
Tonight could go either way, busy which would kinda suck because I'm still tired, sick and weak, but it would help my wallet. Or, it could be kinda dead, which would be easier but boring as hell and bad for my wallet. If you're in the Norwalk, CT area tonight, come keep me company at the American Legion, 60 County Street. I pray I get through this shift unscathed. C-ya. VIEW 25 of 29 COMMENTS
and i hope today went a bit better for you than it sounds like the last few did