alleycake

I think I'm depressed.
Yea there's shit going on, but I can't help but feel like if it was going on at another time it wouldn't bother me. I know deep down that everything is fine, but I can't help but emotionally be a wreck about it. I really don't know why it's bothering me so much. It just feels like everything is annoying and everything is useless and I'm so unsure about everything that used to make me happy. I want to do something really bad and then when it comes down to it, and I really can do it, I don't want to anymore. I change my mind every two minutes. I want to stay in and read all day, yay. Two minutes later, I hate reading and I don't want to be home. I decide I'm going out I take a shower, call some people they are like "ok we'll pick you up at 8" its seven thirty and I just cancelled all my plans. I get online to talk to someone, two minutes later I'm like blah, why am I talking to this person so then I get up to watch TV, decide I hate TV and am never watching it again. I just feel lost. I don't know what to do to make myself feel better or even temporarily good to get myself out of this rut. It's been 4 days like this already. I'll have moments where I'm happy or content and I think I'm cured and then less than an hour later here I am again feeling like nothing could make me feel better. I try to play with my rats but they still don't trust me. I try to talk it out with Jon, I feel better but when I'm not distracted by him or anything I feel bad again. I wanted to go with him out and get some pet food and go to Barns and Noble and then I just backed out and he left and I'm here feeling like shit. Even though I just told him I was fine. I have a shit ton of homework, I let him go alone so I could focus and get some of it done, I really need to, and now he's gone and I tried and I can't get past one sentence I try to read. I don't know what to do. I want to get away from everything I know I want new friends and a new routine and a new life. I do but I really don't. I really just want to fix this one but I don't know how. Going out every night isn't what it's cut out to be. I feel empty. Staying home and thinking and reading and trying to have real discussions with people who don't want to, isn't working either. I feel lonely. I don't know what to do and I don't want to post this because it's stupid and I'll get annoyed by all the comments I get but I will anyway. Because I need to follow through with one thing I've done today besides shave my legs (even that was tough to get through.) I know when I do get comments and I read this again I'll be annoyed by my post, and be sad that I told everyone they're comments will annoy me because I always love comments. At least I hope that's what will happen, because if it's not then I'll still be here and I'm sick of here.